Heath Lambert: Over the last couple of weeks, I have had numerous conversations with pastors and various other Christians asking the question about whether loved ones should attend the controversial wedding of someone they know. Christians have been asking this question for years, decades, and probably millennia because we can be invited to attend weddings that we disagree with or that are biblically disallowed. So, for example, if you have a daughter who is a believer in Jesus Christ and she is going to marry an unbeliever, should you go to that wedding when you have those objections? Should you attend the wedding of your son when you strongly disapprove of the woman that he is going to marry? She might even be a believer, but you have real doubts about their compatibility or other situations. Should you attend the wedding of someone that you do not believe is biblically free to marry? There are numerous Christian positions about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Sometimes we can believe that two believers are getting married, even two responsible believers are getting married, and even two believers who love one another, but we don’t believe that they meet the qualifications for marriage because of various and sundry reasons. So, for all of those reasons, Christians have been dealing with these issues for a very long time. The issue has gotten more acute in the last couple of years and particularly since last summer, with the legalization of homosexual weddings.
And so now, Christians have to wonder, should I attend the homosexual wedding of my loved one? And so, we want to tackle that issue on the podcast this week. And it’s not just an academic issue, it’s not just a scholarly debate. This is an issue that hits us right in our hearts because we’re talking about our friends, our siblings, and our sons, and daughters. These are people who we love very much, and they are inviting us to this most special of occasions. And we want to honor the Lord by our attendance or lack of it and we also want to show care to our loved ones. And so, as I have tried to help people sort this out over the last couple of weeks and in particular, but in general, over the last couple of years, I’ve asked people to sort of examine the issue according to three tests.
The first test is the marriage test, and this is when our loved one when they ask us to attend their wedding, and we are concerned about whether our attendance would honor the Lord; the first question we need to ask is, is this a real marriage? If it is not a real marriage, then we should probably not attend the ceremony. So, the obvious example here is the one of homosexual weddings. When we talk about two men getting married or two women getting married, we’re talking about something that doesn’t actually exist, of course. I mean, we call it a wedding, we call it a marriage, but in the Bible, marriage is restricted to the union of one man and one woman for life. And anything outside of that can’t truly be declared a marriage. Of course, that gets more complicated when we talk about controversial issues of marriage and divorce, and remarriage. And we talked about whether people should get married or whether they should not, but we would not say those things. In a case, for example, where people are not biblically free to get married, we wouldn’t say that it’s not a real marriage. We would say it’s disorderly marriage, we would say it’s an ill-advised marriage. But it’s really in the case of homosexual marriages where we’re saying that is not a marriage, it’s not even a reality. So, when we conclude that something is not a marriage, it probably means that we cannot attend the marriage because our attendance at the ceremony gives credence to the lie, and we wouldn’t want to do that.
But the second test is the celebration test, so there’s the marriage test and the celebration test. And this is the question, can I celebrate this marriage? And now we’re talking about marriages that we might personally believe are ill-advised. So maybe we believe the couple is violating what we earnestly believe to be the biblical teaching on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Maybe we are looking at are believing son or daughter marrying an unbeliever, and our heart breaks at this decision that they are making, which is sinful and that we believe will be harmful, and we know that we would not be able to celebrate with them at the wedding.
The Bible teaches us in Romans chapter 12 verse 15 that we are supposed to rejoice with those who rejoice, and we’re supposed to weep with those who weep when we attend a celebratory occasion, we need to attend it, ready to celebrate. And if we think we cannot truly celebrate it, then that leans in the direction of our non-attendance. Now, I think this is a little bit more complicated, and I think that here we can give our loved ones a choice. And so, I advise people, you know, if in the example of an unbelieving person marrying a believing relative and we are concerned about this. We could say, you know, I love you, you know, I care for you, I want to do anything I can to show that I love you, but I really believe on biblical grounds that this decision you’re making to enter this union would dishonor the Lord, so I can’t celebrate this. I want to show my care for you, and I’m trying to figure out how to do that. If you want me to attend your wedding, then I want to try to be there, but you need to understand that when I show up, it won’t be as a celebrant as much as someone who is truly sad over the decision that you’re making. That’s a hard conversation to have. That can be a painful conversation to have, but I do think that that is an honest conversation to have, and I think we need to help our loved ones understand that they need to take some responsibility in this as well, and that can be a good conversation for us to have with them again about how to have a marriage that honors the Lord and how to live in a way that honors Jesus Christ. And ultimately, our loved one would have a say-so in and whether we attend or not, but that celebration test is a good way to think through this.
And then the third test that I’m talking to people about is the conscience test. And so, Romans 14:23 says that whatever does not proceed from faith is sin. And what this means is that we are not allowed to violate our conscience. So, if your conscience pricks you, you are not allowed to go against it, even if, in theory, it’s proper to make the decision that you would make. So, if your conscience convicts you that you cannot attend a wedding for various and sundry reasons than the Bible teaches that you are not allowed to do it, you should listen to your conscience and not cross it. Of course, your conscience might need to be more faithfully informed by the Bible, but you’re not allowed to cross it unless your conscience changes. And so, this is where Christians need to very carefully consider do I believe it would be wrong for me to attend, and the opposite is also true. Would I believe would be wrong for me to fail to attend? And anything that’s not from faith is sin, and you should not cross your conscience.
Those are three tests that we can use to think through whether we should attend. The other part of this is that we want to communicate our decision to those we love in a way that is full of grace and full of compassion. The Bible doesn’t command us just to speak the truth, it commands us to do it in love. That’s the name of our podcast. And so, after we have decided our convictions, we need to be equally careful and equally prayerful about how we will communicate those convictions to the people that we love who want us to be involved in their special day. We need to really bend over backward as Christians to let people know that we love them to let people know that we care for them to let people know that we don’t believe that God’s kindness and obedience to God’s word are at odds with one another. We believe that people will know the fullness of joy and blessing in this life when they obey God’s Word, we want them to know that, and we need to live according to that. And so, we need with much grace, with much care, with much tenderness, with much pleading, to communicate to those people that we love our convictions when our convictions might really hurt and be painful to those we care about. And after we’ve done that, we have to trust the Lord, believing that when we behave in a way that honors Him, He will honor us even though the road to that honor might be painful and sad at times.
