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The Greenhouse Effect of Sanctification: You Are Not Your Spouse’s Holy Spirit 

While the Christian is not their spouses Holy Spirit and cannot sanctify their spouse, they can create an environment of Christ-like love and grace that promotes spiritual growth.

May 16, 2025

As Christians, we are each called to grow in sanctification. In our marriages, we should be catalysts for our spouse’s growth by pointing them to Christ. Often, couples seem to become discouraged by not knowing how they can do this. We swing like a pendulum between two extremes: trying to be our spouse’s Holy Spirit or acting indifferent toward their spiritual growth.  

The reality is that while I can’t directly sanctify my spouse, I can foster her conditions for growth. I call this the greenhouse effect of sanctification. It occurs when I actively look to care for the growth in my spouse’s heart instead of creating a harsh environment for her to live in. Like any building, a greenhouse requires certain elements. The greenhouse of your marriage is no different.  

Foundation – Christ-Like Love 

The most important part of any structure is the foundation. This key part of our greenhouse is Christ-like love. Don’t just take my word for it: the Bible is clear that love is what binds every other Christian quality together (Colossians 3:14). Paul commands husbands to love their wives in a sacrificial way, reflecting the love that Christ has for them (Ephesians 5:25). In Titus, we see that wives also should love their husbands (Titus 2:4-5). 

When you love your spouse like Christ loves you, they will know that you are driven by what is best for them. Hard conversations are easier because they know you care foremost for their relationship with God. Love enables us to act against our own desires for the good of someone else (Ephesians 5:2; Philippians 2:3-4). Love sacrifices and uplifts. Christ-like love allows us to move towards our spouse when they are hurting and provide the healing balm of God’s care to their hearts, reminding them of the hope they have in Him. Lastly, love allows us to overlook many offenses that could spiral into unnecessary conflicts and painful memories (1 Peter 4:8).  

Ventilator – Grace 

In a greenhouse, the ventilator has a distinct and important role. It regulates the temperature and circulates the air which ensures the best conditions for each plant. In marriage, grace should operate like a greenhouse ventilator. Grace is often defined as “undeserved favor.” In marriage, this means that your spouse doesn’t have to earn anything from you. Their standing with you should not be dependent on the things they do, but rather the covenant you have together that made you man and wife.  

When it is functioning properly, your marriage will thrive under the refreshing air of grace when your spouse isn’t afraid of making mistakes or doing something to upset you (Colossians 3:13). In the same way a greenhouse provides a safe oasis, our marriage should be a sanctuary for our spouse to be genuine and real about their weaknesses and doubts, knowing that they will be met with reassuring grace and understanding. The temperature of your marriage should be regulated by the gracious speech you pour out to each other (Colossians 4:6), not criticism or a need to prove oneself. To gauge the effectiveness of your grace ventilator, ask this question: does my behavior and speech toward my spouse depend on how they treat me, or on what Jesus has already done for me? 

Soil – Consider Their Interests 

I was surprised to learn that different plants require different soils to thrive. A good gardener understands the kind of soil the plant they are cultivating needs by studying the plant and learning how to care for it. In your marriage, you should be such a gardener. You should seek to understand the desires and interests of your spouse and prioritize them above your own. This takes time, work, trial, and error.  

In Philippians 2:1-11, Paul explains the way Jesus set aside his interests for you and me. Paul uses this to instruct us to follow suit by similarly caring for each other. Sadly, while many of us are quick to apply this principle outside of our home, we are just as quick to want our spouse to serve our interests instead of following Christ’s example. One of the most tangible displays of genuine care for your spouse is a willingness to set aside your interests for what they would benefit from. You shouldn’t do this out of fear of your spouse. Rather, like an intentional gardener, you should study your spouse to know how to care for them. This results in an environment they feel loved and supported in, fostering conditions for sanctification.  

Roof – Forgiveness 

A roof protects the greenhouse from storms. When our spouse hurts us or sins against us, it often leads to a hurricane of emotions in our heart. When we forgive our spouse in a biblical way (Luke 17:3-4), forgiveness and biblical reconciliation can come. This begins to fortify the roof of our greenhouse by protecting our spouse from bitterness and anger that could lead to discouragement and despair. Often, however, when a new offense occurs or a memory surfaces, we can feel all the old emotions of the past boil up inside of us. We can’t always stop the flood of emotions, but we can stop ourselves from bringing them up (Philippians 4:8).  

When we bring up past hurts that we have forgiven, it is like a strong wind that rushes through our greenhouse tearing off the roof. It exposes the precious plant inside to the storm raging in our own heart. How much sweeter it is to take these hurts to the One who can quiet our soul (Psalm 46:10). In these instances, bring your spouse before the mercy seat of God in prayer and allow yourself to be reminded of the forgiveness you have received (Ephesians 4:31-32; Isaiah 43:25). Allow God’s forgiveness to pierce the storm cloud of your emotions, renewing your mind with the truths of Scripture, and fortifying your own roof of forgiveness over your spouse.  

Walls – Confront Sin, Not Differences 

If you have been married for more than 5 minutes, you are going to notice things your spouse does that you would do differently. Our natural tendency is to confront these differences like sin, expecting our spouse to change. We think our own way is best, and we can’t understand why they would do things differently. When we act this way, we forget that each of us is uniquely and beautifully created by God (Psalm 139:13). While we should confront sin because it affects our spouse’s relationship with God (Galatians 6:1-2), we should seek to love the ways our spouse is different than us and view them as a way we can help each other (Genesis 2:18). 

The walls of a greenhouse protect the plants from insects that could do harm. When I confront differences (or my preferences), I poke holes in the walls which in turn can let doubt creep into my greenhouse. Like a caterpillar eating away flourishing leaves, doubt can begin to eat away at your spouse, making them feel unloved. Rather than feeling protected by the walls of your godly love, your spouse is left feeling exposed. You can thus build strong walls by confronting sin and loving the differences.  

Conclusion 

Every Christ follower should want their spouse to thrive and grow in sanctification, but we must also desire for ourselves to grow in greater Christlikeness. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be their Holy Spirit or passively taking a backseat to their spiritual growth. Instead, make every effort to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ and then help your spouse to do likewise by building a greenhouse for your marriage (2 Peter 3:18).