Heath Lambert: The name of this podcast about not being able to spank your kids is based on a pretty significant assumption. And the assumption is that you should spank your kids. This is, of course, very controversial, in our culture. But it is something that the Bible teaches, in fact, the Bible endorses the controlled use of spanking for correcting children who have disobeyed. That in itself might be the topic of a different podcast. But today, we’re talking about a special challenge in regards to spanking; when a parent can’t spank their kids, maybe because they’re a foster parent or because their kid is too old. To answer this issue for us is Dr. Stuart Scott. Dr. Scott is the director of membership at the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, is a fellow with ACBC, and he participated in the ACBC online training that happens every year. As part of that training, we have a question-and-answer time with the teachers, and some of the questions that came in for Dr. Scott had to do with this issue, and here is what he had to say.
Dr. Stuart Scott: The next question, “Does the Bible require us to spank our children?” And then follow-up, “What about foster care?” Well, this is a tough one, especially in our society. I believe there are about 12 or more countries where it’s illegal to spank your child. As I look through the Scriptures, you won’t find a command to spank your child. It’s in the wisdom literature, it’s in the book of Proverbs where you’ll find spanking. It’s wise to do this in the early years. Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son.” It’s very wise to do. It’s not the only instrument to discipline your children. The turn discipline—bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord—the word discipline there, the word παιδεία is a big family term. It involves roles, guidelines, and structure. Any kind of chastisement encouragement is also in the word παιδεία, it’s like disciplined training. So the issue of spanking your child, does the Bible require you to do it? The simple, quick answer is no. But the general answer is, it’s wise to do, especially in the young early years when you’re trying to help them, especially with any kind of high-handed rebellion, flat-out no to parents.
In foster care, you make a commitment not to use corporal discipline, and you need to abide by that agreement in foster care. And you can raise children using all other kinds of forms of discipline, short of spanking them. So discipline needs to be a big toolbox, and there are various things that you can use, and I’m going to talk about that in a minute here. Matter of fact, in the next question. In divorce cases, if there’s a divorce and you’ve got an ex-spouse who will get full custody if you are quoted, “hitting or spanking your children,” they could really take you to task and take you to court. So it may be a court order that you can’t use any corporal discipline. So don’t think that you’re disobeying Scripture if you can’t use the rod. There are other forms to use; that kind of goes on to this next question.
“If a child is too old for spanking, what are the best biblical ways to discipline them?” Well, when is it too old to spank? And I’m not the expert on this, I’ve read quite a bit on parenting, and it seems as if the majority of parents, godly parents, those who have been counseling for many years, suggest somewhere around 11, or 12 years of age. 11, 12 years of age, it needs to end as far as the rod and spanking. I would assume they’re kind of looking at the Jewish model that about around 12 or 13, the boys and girls are now young men and young women.
Now, the point of spanking is to bring pain, a deterrent to say, “when I’m thinking about that again, I’m not going to go that direction and do what my parents say.” So think about that; what causes pain to children the older they get? There’s a variety of things and ways that bring pain. For example, when my children were reaching about that age, if my daughter was speaking back to us or just was unkind in her speech, if we said to her, “you can’t use the phone for a week.” You would think I just said that the Earth has ended. The world has come to an end. She was social, and to take phone privileges away was painful. As a matter of fact, my daughter said even when she was 15, I removed. I think it was the phone that—one guy said that’s why he got his daughter a cell phone so that he could take it away—but when I said that, she said, “dad would you spank me? Can I get a spanking rather than take the phone away?” So I figured I found something that’s painful. If I would have said to my son at the time, “you’re going to lose phone privileges.” He would have said, “I don’t care. You need to get away for a month.” So I had to find other things that brought pain to him, maybe playing games on the computer, hanging out with his friends at the time, or skateboarding together. You find out what are the other things, the computer, when they get older, maybe using the car or social interaction. So thinking through things that cause pain is a deterrent from choosing a disobedient path. Extra work can be a discipline. Reaping what they sowed can be a discipline.
Matter of fact, the Scripture talks about even God may use the rod of men. He uses other people to bring discipline in on your children. For example, it was used of Assyria. It’s also used in talking about Solomon, if he veers off from following God’s ways, God will discipline Israel with the rod of men. It might be that the school will find out about something and bring discipline to your child. Or he may get picked up by the police, or she may get picked up by the police and they’re disciplined. So there can be other ways that discipline can be enacted.
