For an engaged couple to be prepared to enter the covenant of marriage, they need their local church family to speak “the truth in love” to them on a regular basis. We need to introduce a new marriage into our church family in such a way that they are developing beneficial relationships with godly mentors and are able to strengthen the church because they are fulfilling their God-given role within the body of Christ.
One of the ways we do this at our church is to slow down the process of instruction so that genuine fellowship and friendship has time to grow. This is done in the home of the mentor couple and involves time together in fellowship as well as instruction. Here is a peek into a typical agenda for that first session.
Get to Know Them Better
Each session should have opportunities to fellowship with them, making a point to get to know each other better. I know that the obvious gaps in age and interest can hinder the goal of developing a lasting friendship, but not if the relationship is centered primarily on a love for Christ and for His people. Every Sunday, I worship God with a group of people who would otherwise have no common purpose to gather the way we do. We have Christ in common, and that is sufficient grounds for loving, edifying fellowship between any two believers.
A great way to get to know each other better is to include them in your family activities. We want the new couple to understand that when they are with us, they are “Honorary Members of the Keeter Family”—so whatever we are doing as a family that day, we want them to be a part of it. To really accomplish all of this means, whenever possible, choosing a day and time block where no one is rushed.
Model a Christian Family Environment
The point here is to conduct your time together within the context of your normal family environment so they can really see what it looks like to have a home that seeks to follow Christ. This includes being appropriately transparent with them about your need of grace and the importance of sustaining a rich fellowship with the church. Even though I’m an elder and oversee the counseling ministries at Grace Church, couples we disciple quickly find out that my family doesn’t float on a cloud in between Sundays. That’s a good thing—the “super saint” image is not a helpful or truthful benchmark to set before those whom we teach and shepherd. Besides, having some of our many imperfections exposed to our guests regularly reminds us Keeters of the importance and value of humility. Now I’m not saying to neglect to prepare the house and form a simple schedule—you definitely want to make good use of everyone’s time and create a hospitable environment. Just don’t give them the impression that genuinely godly people never attract dust.
Also, include the couple in your times of family worship. In particular, so many misunderstandings and misperceptions exist about what it looks like for a man to provide spiritual leadership for his family. There are many aspects of a husband and father’s leadership that are beyond the scope of this blog to discuss in detail, but it most certainly
does not look like a man preaching a sermon every night of the week while his wife and children adoringly soak up every syllable with profound gratitude.
In my home, I want future husbands to observe that it is important for me to:
- Make sure my family prays and reads God’s Word together and individually;
- Seek to help my family internalize, apply, and respond to God’s Word.
- Seek to talk with my family about God and His Word often, most commonly in the everyday happenings of life (Deuteronomy 6:6,7).
Discuss and Evaluate Matters of Purity
Discussing matters of purity can be uncomfortable and difficult, I get that. But we wouldn’t be showing this new couple much love and mentorship if we neglect this topic. Our good and wise God created sexual desire to exist between a husband and wife—to cause a man to romantically pursue his bride and to help protect both of them from sexual sin outside of marriage. This desire is powerful by design; so powerful that your nearly-married couple should not tread lightly when confronted with it in their hearts.
To be faithful to God and help one another remain pure, they need a clear strategy. This does not have to be a long conversation. Carmen and I find it helpful to begin by asking some pointed questions and go from wherever their answers lead us. Note that it is ok to ask some or all of these questions separately—with men only and women only—even if it involves scheduling another time to discuss in more detail.
- How are each of you doing in pursuing purity individually?
- How are you guys doing in maintaining purity together? Have you been pure thus far?
- Do you have a strategy? If so, what is it?
- When is it most difficult for you to do the right things?
- Do you have any questions that we can address right now?
- How can we help pray for and encourage you to remain pure?
This is a big deal, so keep the questions and discussion in front of them for each session. Rejoice with them when things go well. When they have failed, love them and lead them to repentance and a renewed effort to flee temptation and pursue righteousness. Also, be certain to instruct them to contact you during (not after) times of temptation to pray with them and encourage them.
Discuss and Evaluate Matters of Repentance and Forgiveness
Finally, talk to them about how they work out conflict with each other. In particular:
- Is each willing to repent when his/her sins are pointed out?
- Is each willing and eager to forgive the other’s sins?
- Does conflict eventually resolve itself in a reconciled relationship and a determination to obey God or does it seem to simply fade away without a clear resolution?
By keeping this subject before them, you can shepherd them towards recognizing any weaknesses they currently have and begin working with them to develop a more godly approach to conflict resolution. In fact, I can only think of one couple we counseled who didn’t encounter a big conflict together during the months of premarital counseling. Inevitably, at least once, Carmen and I will notice our couple’s car parked out in front of our house. Ten, fifteen, twenty, even forty-five minutes may pass before they finally come to the door.
By then, Carmen and I realize that it’s time to clear the agenda for the evening and get the kids out of the room. While we don’t like to see couples go through conflict, these can be truly precious experiences to share with them. Love them and walk patiently with them through whatever problem they are facing. This involves you listening and learning a lot before speaking and not trivializing something that is obviously important to one or both of them. Pray with them, especially when emotions run high, and ask God to help everyone to work to resolve the conflict to His glory. In all this, you get to demonstrate during a very teachable moment what this friendship is all about. Show them that they can entrust their hearts to you, that they can trust you to listen well, and that they can depend on you to come down on God’s side of the issue and point them towards faithful obedience … for as long as the Lord leaves you both on this earth.
