Practical Help for the Family from Proverbs

This is Ministering from the book of Proverbs: Help for the Family from Proverbs 1-7. 

Family is so incredibly important for many reasons. Personally, family is so important. We all have family. Maybe you are reading this to think about family because of personal reasons. Maybe you are a parent who wants to learn how to impact your kids, or you work with parents. But I want us to think about family from a theological perspective for just a moment. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to identify the message of the Bible in a sentence. For me, that sentence would be: “God is forming a people for His glory.” Everything fits into that sentence in the Bible. 

Who is this God? We meet Him in Genesis 1. He’s the Creator God. How is He forming a people for His glory? He has chosen to do so by choosing a man, Abraham, and giving him a family, so that through this family He might form a chosen nation, so that through that chosen nation He would send into the world the chosen Messiah who would give His life to rescue a people from every nation and language and tribe that will be His forever and ever. Family is significant in the storyline because as goes this family, so goes this nation and so goes God’s plan to rescue a people from every corner of the globe. We’re going to be plugging into the book of Proverbs and we need to see Proverbs in light of that big storyline. 

In fact, let’s just put some observations on the table as we get started. Let’s keep in mind the significance of the wisdom literature in the Bible, as we’re specifically going to be talking about Proverbs. The three sections in the Hebrew Scriptures are Law, Prophets, and Writings. Wisdom literature in memorable language demonstrates how life works. It all points to and is fulfilled by Christ. Christ is the wisdom of God, as 1 Corinthians 1 will say. 

Let’s keep in mind the purpose and place of Proverbs in the canon. This book does not show us how to become part of God’s covenant people. This book represents what God has to say to His covenant people, Israel, to show them how He wants them to live in this promised land as He’s developing His plan of ultimately rescuing a people from every nation. This book is given to a redeemed people—Israel was redeemed. Redemption is experienced by the grace of God, not by keeping the instructions in the law and not by keeping the instructions that are in the book of Proverbs. This book shows God’s covenant people how to live in light of His law in very practical ways. This book was given initially to Israel to show the nation how to do life in the promised land because as went the family, so went the nation, and the nation was so significant in the redemptive plan that God has in the world. 

Now having said that, Proverbs can be a valuable resource for biblical counselors. It teaches us fundamentally about God, as does every portion of the Scriptures. God is a revealing God. He has revealed Himself in the canonical Scriptures. When we look at Proverbs, we learn most about who God is, what He’s like, and what’s on His heart. We learn that He is to be feared and reverenced, that He’s the source of wisdom, and that fearing Him is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 1:7). We learn that: 

• He can be trusted (Proverbs 3:5-6); 

• He examines our lives continually (Proverbs 5:21); 

• He hates sin (Proverbs 6:16-19); 

• He weighs the heart (Proverbs 21:2); and 

• He’s a shield to those who take refuge in Him (Proverbs 30:5). 

Proverbs teaches us initially and fundamentally about who God is and then how life works. It’s very memorable and very practical. 

When I was a young believer, I loved Proverbs because I may not understand Obadiah, but I can understand what’s going on in this book. It’s very down-to-earth and very practical, and it has a lot to say about family matters. 

Now, our goal in this session is simply to help counselors learn how to provide help for the family by ministering from this book. It is a tough task to be a parent in any age, particularly today. It’s tough; it’s a challenge. Some of us are parents, all of us know parents, and all of us are working with people who are parents. When the question is asked by others or as we ask ourselves— How are you doing as a parent? — the frustration level just goes up. How are you doing as a parent? I don’t know. 

God is so gracious. God graciously gives us many things to encourage us. I want to suggest that Proverbs functions as a gracious gift of God to parents, and here’s how it works. How do I really know how I’m doing as a parent? We’re going to see in Proverbs what God designs parents to do and the kind of interaction they’re to have with their kids, albeit not perfectly since we’re a redeemed people. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ in the new covenant (Romans 8). We don’t move from a position of “we’ve got to do something to make God pleased with us.” We are in this relationship by His grace, through faith in Christ, and I think that the book of Proverbs is meant to encourage parents in very practical ways. 

Back in the 17th century, John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester, said, “Before I was married, I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.” I’m glad that God doesn’t give us theories in His Word, but He gives us unchanging truth, and this is the counsel of an all-knowing God who doesn’t change. Proverbs has much to say about parenting. 

Now, parents need a lot of things. Parents need instruction, and parents, like children, need reminders. Proverbs is good at giving reminders of what we know. In the law we learn some things, and Proverbs is reminding us in memorable ways. 

Our focus is going to be in Proverbs 1-7 for reasons that I’ll explain in a moment. In Proverbs 1-7, God basically gives two things to parents, and therefore also to those of us who are working with parents as we’re seeking and counseling to help them. One is a practical assignment. 

If you’ve got your Bible, turn to Proverbs 1 and look at verses 7-8 with me. It reads: “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching…” Proverbs is the wisdom book of the Bible. Most of the book is connected with Solomon and stems from the 10th century BC. It’s not a book intended to show us how to have a relationship with God. God gave this relationship to people, the Hebrews. By His grace He enters into this covenant relationship with them. Now He’s showing them how to live in ways that will please Him, but particularly we’re going to think about parenting. 

When counseling family members from Proverbs, we need to give this important disclaimer: if you’re not a child of God, please don’t assume you can become one by doing the things we’re about to learn. That doesn’t happen. That’s not the intent of this. Becoming a child of God is not a reward for good deeds that we do, like raising kids a certain way. It’s the gift of God, which God gives the moment we turn to Him in repentance and place our faith in His Son, the Lord Jesus. God’s salvation is by grace, not merit. If you know Christ, you’re already in a good standing for the practical instruction of Proverbs. If you don’t, this will show you the law. The law points us to Christ, but so does all of the Old Testament—the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. You’re about to see a bunch of reasons why you need a Savior. Proverbs shows us God’s standard, and we don’t reach His standard. We don’t have the ability to reach His standard in our own strength. We need a Savior. 

Proverbs speaks to parents. “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching…” This is a family conversation. A father is seeking to prepare his son for life. The Lord blessed my wife Sherry and I with two children, who are now adults raising their own families. It was back when the girls were pretty young that I was reading Proverbs, and something really stood out to me. I’d like you to do this exercise with me. Take a look at all of the places where you see these words, my son or my sons, and circle those. For example (emphasis added): 

• Chapter 1, verse 8: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction…” 

• Chapter 1, verse 10: “My son, if sinners entice you…” 

• Chapter 2, verse 1: “My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commands with you…”  

• Chapter 3, verse 1: “‘My son, do not forget my teaching…” 

• Chapter 3, verse 11: “My son, do not despise…” 

• Chapter 3, verse 21: “My son…” 

Circle all of the instances, including: 4:1, 4:10, 4:20, 5:1, 5:7, 6:1, 6:20, 7:1, and 7:24. 

I remember circling those words as a parent and thinking that here was a father, all these years ago, talking to his sons. I started thinking, “What did he talk to his sons about?” Those subjects must be very significant for a parent to talk to their children about. I began to think about and study it, and I came up with 11 subjects that this father addresses in chapters 1-7. That language of my son or my sons drops out after chapter 7. That’s why we’re focusing particularly on this set of chapters. 

What does he address? Now granted, this phrase my son was a customary form of address between a teacher and a disciple in Solomon’s day, but it says more. I think it communicates that passing on the faith and talking about the implications of the faith is the responsibility of parents. It says we’re supposed to talk and teach, talk and teach, talk and teach about a lot of different subjects, which we’ll see in just a moment. God’s kind of parenting involves verbal interaction. Proverbs 1:8: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching…” (emphasis added). Here’s a father that took time to talk to his son and even wrote down the words. 

What did he talk about? Not just sports, not just hobbies, although we ought to be talking about that kind of stuff. We talk about all kinds of things in the family. Chuck Swindoll, years ago, wrote the book Stress Fractures, and he shares an interesting story about himself. He says he was getting really busy in his life, pretty nervous and tense. He goes on to say: 

“I was snapping at my wife and our children, choking down food at mealtimes, feeling irritated at those unexpected interruptions throughout the day. Before long, things around our home started reflecting the pattern of my hurry-up lifestyle. It was becoming unbearable. I distinctly remember after supper one evening the words of our younger daughter, Colleen. She wanted to tell me something important that had happened to her at school that day. She began hurriedly, ‘Daddy, I want to tell you something, I want to tell you real fast.’ Suddenly realizing her frustration, I answered, ‘Honey, you can tell me, and you don’t have to tell me really fast. Say it slowly.’ I’ll never forget her answer: ‘Then listen slowly.’” 

A good question for dads and moms is, Do you talk to your children and do you listen slowly? Do you talk to them about living for Jesus in this world? If that’s not happening, it’s for a couple of reasons probably. One is: “I don’t have time,” but the truth is that we all have the same amount of time. What we mean is: “I don’t have time without changing something in my lifestyle.” Another possibility is: “I’m not talking to my kids about this because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to do that.” That’s where Proverbs is such an encouraging help to us. 

Let’s turn that around and think about it from the other perspective. Proverbs has a lot to say to children. It says to them, “Listen and learn.” For example (emphasis added): 

• Chapter 1, verse 8: “Hear…” 

• Chapter 2, verse 1: “My son, if you receive my words…” 

• Chapter 3, verse 1: “My son, do not forget my teaching…” 

• Chapter 4, verse 1: “Hear, O sons…” 

• Chapter 5, verse 1: “My son, be attentive…” 

The motto of Proverbs is the fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. We don’t talk as much as we ought to about the fear of God and fearing the Lord. Proverbs helps us to see what the fear of the Lord looks like. One commentator talks about the Psalms in this fashion. I think Proverbs is the same way. It shows us how to make God the gravitational center of our lives. I like that. What does life revolve around? Life is to revolve around God. 

If you’re counseling a teenager, here’s a good question to ask: “Do you prize your parents?” God gave them to you. No, they’re not perfect. When they blow it, they need to repent and seek God’s forgiveness just like you do. But, “Do you prize them? Do you value them? Do you demonstrate that in the way that you treat the words that they share with you?” God’s word says to children, “Listen and learn.” 

How different our families would be and how different our country would be if we took seriously the practical assignment God has given in the home. It’s basic, so basic, and yet revolutionary. Parents talk and teach, children listen and learn. 

Let’s review the four rules of communication which become very helpful in terms of the how-to in these conversations within the family: 

1. Be honest 

2. Keep current 

3. Attack the problem, not the person 

4. Act, don’t react 

Parents think, “Okay, I get that.” That’s almost something that’s just in the DNA of being a parent.” I know I’m supposed to be doing that with my kids, but what do we talk about?” Proverbs doesn’t just give the assignment, it then gives us the curriculum. 

This is good news, since when the subject of parenting comes up, opinions abound. What are we supposed to talk to our kids about? What should we teach them? “I think this, Mama says that, and Grandma taught me something else.” Then, how do we know? Here’s where Proverbs is so helpful. 

Proverbs is like a yardstick. As I examine Proverbs, I discover the issues that this biblical father deemed critical to address with his son. I want to put the 11 issues that I see on the table and give some thoughts about them along the way. If you’re working with parents in counseling, I want to encourage you to help them address these issues, and if you’re a parent, I want to encourage you to think of it in terms of your own responsibility as you seek to raise up those little ones. 

1. AUTHORITY 

As parents, first of all, we must teach about authority. This is the first one that he addresses in 1:8: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching…” 

This next story happened in our church. “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” said the first grader to his teacher. The teacher called the mother and said, “We’ve got a problem here with your first grader,” and the mother said, “Oh, no, I’ve been working hard on teaching him the importance of listening to me, and I’m constantly saying, ‘Look at me when I’m talking to you.’” As a result, the first grader goes to school and tries it out on the teacher who became preoccupied with it. There was a breakdown in the way this was supposed to work here. 

Whose job is it to teach children how to listen, learn, and submit to authority? We’ve got to talk about this today. We have a whole child-centered approach to parenting where these little ones just have to figure it out for themselves. We can’t impose all the way, and we can’t tell them whether they’re a boy or a girl—it’s this craziness that’s happening right now. God’s Word helps us to see that God has given children to parents, and parents are to teach their children about authority. This is the first issue because my child enters this world with a problem, and I gave it to her: a sin nature or a will that insists on doing what it wants. My job as a parent is to help my child learn how to live under authority. She’s not free to do her own thing, and if I let her grow up thinking that she is, I’m setting her up for a life of heartache. Like Solomon, I need to teach my children how to live under authority. I need to furthermore help them to see that this is good for them and that this is how life works best. Solomon does that: he puts rewards in front of his son, he talks about a garland and a chain, and he says, “Son, these can be yours if you’ll learn to live under authority.” 

It’s the classic example of the question: When is a piano player truly free? Is it when he does his own thing and just pounds the piano (I want to do whatever)? No, when the piano player learns to discipline himself and learn the scales and the rules of music, then he’s free to make that piano sing. The freedom is not in doing my own thing; it’s in willfully placing my desires under authority. 

Now of course, this verse (1:8) is not a blanket endorsement. It authorizes parental authority, not parental tyranny. Parents too are under authority. As a parent, I’m under God’s authority. Under verse 1:7, parents have no right to insist that their children do something that’s a violation of God’s authority, and one of the best ways we teach this to our children is when we blow it. We submit to God’s authority and seek their forgiveness for what we’ve done. We are showing them that life is under authority. 

Much has been written about the mother of John and Charles Wesley, Susanna Wesley. Here were Susanna Wesley’s rules for raising children: 

1. Subdue self-will in a child and thus work together with God to save his soul. 

2. Teach him to pray as soon as he can speak. 

3. Give him nothing he cries for and only what is good for him if he asks for it politely. 

4. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is freely confessed, but never allow a rebellious, sinful act to go unnoticed. 

5. Commend and reward good behavior. 

6. Strictly observe all promises you’ve made to your child. 

She understood this principle about authority and about parents teaching their children about authority. This goes against the modern notion that a parent’s task is to allow the child to determine what’s best for himself or herself. 

There’s so much more that should probably be said about this matter of the child-centered home and the problems associated with that, but a good question to ask parents would be, “Who’s in control in your home?” Is it the parents or the children? 

2. TEMPTATION AND PEER PRESSURE 

The second subject that he addresses in the curriculum, in the order in which it appears, is temptation and peer pressure. The next My son section starts at verse 10: “My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, ‘Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood; let us ambush the innocent without reason…’” 

Stop there for a moment. What is that? That is peer pressure. The father is giving his son a hypothetical situation, a what-if scenario, followed by the counsel in verse 15: “my son, do not walk in the way with them; hold back your foot from their paths.” Why not? Verses 16-19 continue: “…for their feet run to evil … but these men lie in wait for their own blood; they set an ambush for their own lives. Such are the ways of everyone who is greedy for unjust gain…” 

Now we see some more implications for parents and some questions to consider: 

• Have you explained to your children how the temptation process works? 

• Have you told them that there is a shortcut to pleasure? That there’s a quick thrill that’s out there waiting? It’s all there. 

• Have you told them the price? Verse 18 says that they will pay for it with their own blood. 

As parents, we learn from Solomon’s communication. He didn’t just lecture his son. He gives him word pictures, such as “temptation is like a bird trap; you don’t see the net until it’s too late to escape.” This is so very helpful. I’m challenged by how Solomon uses the what-if conversation approach. 

Do you talk to your children about what to do if they’re watching their favorite television show and a suggestive commercial comes on? Do you talk to your kids about what to do if they are spending the night at their friend’s house and find out that the friend’s parents are gone, but the alcohol isn’t? What do you do if…? 

This is a father helping his sons think about temptation and peer pressure. We can’t prevent our kids from facing temptation—not all of it—but we can help them from falling into it, in part, by just showing them how the process works. 

I was thinking all the way back to seventh grade track. When you’re in the seventh grade and you’re a boy, at least for me, I just could not get enough to eat. I was growing; I was hungry; and since the track was at a different place than the school, we had to go right by this grocery store. I never had money. I’d be with my buddies and they’d say, “Let’s go into the grocery store and let’s get something to eat.” I’d answer, “Why? I don’t have any money?” They’d reply, “You don’t need money.” That’s the first time I was ever exposed to shoplifting. I’d watch them walk in and just grab that candy bar and walk out. They would be eating as we went to the track practice. I was like, “Wow, that’s how that works. I hadn’t seen that before.” 

Parents, you can’t predict and you don’t know what they are going to face, but you can help them think about what to do if they face different situations. Here’s a dad thinking in those terms. 

3. PRIORITIES 

This comes from chapter 2, verses 1-5. Notice the repetition of if. “My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you… if you call out for insight…if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD…” (emphasis added) 

What is Solomon telling his son? He’s basically saying that you can’t do everything in life. Life is full of choices and our choices are determined by our priorities. He’s helping him to begin to think about priorities. 

You can’t stay at the party until 1 a.m. Sunday morning and be fully alert to worship the living God on Sunday morning. There are Choices. You can’t fill your mind with television images that displease the Lord through the evening and then expect to have a meaningful time in God’s Word before you go to bed. It just doesn’t work. There are choices. If, then. He’s helping his son to think about this. You can’t pursue the way of the world and the way of wisdom. You must choose. This is the point of chapter two, verses one through eight. If you want wisdom, you must search for it as you would search for hidden treasure, which means you won’t have time for some other pursuits. The issue of priorities is true for adults as well as for kids. 

A good question for parents or counseling is, “What priorities do your children and grandchildren see you modeling?” As parents, we need to settle something early on. I can teach my child to seek the career with the big salary, the extravagant lifestyle, urging him to pursue the education at the prestigious school that makes all of that possible, or I can urge my child to fear the Lord and choose the path of wisdom that most pleases Him. Life is full of choices. My task as a parent is to help my child know how to make wise choices in life. 

Some of us as parents are control freaks. We make the choices for them. That works for a while, right? There’s a place for that. Instead of asking a one-year-old which cereal he wants and trying to figure out his answer, just give him fruit or something. But, as they get older, it is the parent’s task to teach them how to make decisions and what priorities look like. 

In pre-marriage counseling, I ask couples to rate their priorities. This creates a great opportunity to discuss all kinds of things that they’ll face once married. Parents can do the same. 

4. OBEDIENCE 

Chapter 3, verse 1: “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments…” 

Play-Doh has changed over the years. When I was a kid, you got the Play-Doh and you did stuff with it. My kids come along, and you’ve got Play-Doh factories now. Those are pretty cool. You take this lump of Play-Doh, you put it in there, you push the lever down, and out comes a shape on the other side. 

When you think about it, parents are in the molding business. We’re molding a child’s values and behavior. That’s why we have to help them think about authority (chapter 1) and now about obedience. “My son, do not forget, but keep.” Why does he say, “Do not forget, but keep?” Because children are like parents. We’re prone to forget and then not keep. It’s a cop out for parents to say, “Oh, I told my child one time.” Yes, we should tell them one time and then expect obedience, but they need reminders and repetition just like we do. Yes, we instruct once, but then when they blow it, we work through that and we give further instruction. There’s so much repetition right here in Proverbs and it’s very instructive for us. It’s instructive as we work with parents that we’re counseling. “My son, do not forget, but keep.” 

Picture this scenario. I’m standing at the door in front of the church as folks are coming in to worship on the Lord’s Day. “Hello, so-and-so. Hello, so-and-so. Hello, Johnny.” Johnny doesn’t make eye contact and just walks right on by the adult that has spoken to him. What should happen in that situation? 

Johnny’s mom and dad should see that there’s a tremendous opportunity at that moment and say to themselves, “My child needs to learn about how to respond in situations like that.” But I tell you again, in this child-centered approach, it’s like, “I don’t know what to do. He just doesn’t like to talk to adults.” Teach him how to respond when someone speaks to him. Now, for some kids—the outgoing type—that’s more natural. Some are shy, and I get that. But helping them learn how to respond in those situations, that’s what Proverbs is thinking through with Solomon’s own sons. 

5. DISCIPLINE 

Chapter 3, verse 11: “My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” 

Don’t despise. This command implies that this is what we’re inclined to do—to despise, to not think rightly about what God is bringing into our life in a difficult situation. We complain and get irritated. What should we do? Solomon tells his son: look for God’s hand in that situation. 

I love athletics. I think athletics have created for us, in our generation today, what farming did 100 years ago. One hundred years ago, a father would take his kids out working in the fields, things would break, and it would create opportunities to talk about how life works. We don’t have that context any longer, but sports—with all the challenges that come with becoming a sports-crazed, worshiping society—creates incredible opportunities for parents to talk to their kids about how life works. “Dad, it’s not fair. I’m not getting playing time. I know I’m better than half the people on the team. The coach is so unfair…” “Okay, what do you think God’s up to in this, son?” 

By the way, it creates great opportunities for us as parents. Our oldest daughter was playing volleyball and was on a really good team her senior year. The team was on track to go far in the state tournament. They came to the district, and there was a referee that was just missing call after call. Someone had to help this official know that—and so I was helping (laughs). My wife told me, “Remember who you are.” This is the truth. It was bad; he was really missing calls. Finally, he stopped, turned around, turned up, pointed to the crowd, and said, “That man is out of here, and this match will not continue until he’s gone.” I thought to myself, “What in the world?” Finally, after about an eternity of five seconds, Mark, another parent, not far down the row from me—because I wasn’t the only one—left. The official was pointing at Mark all along; I’m sure he was. Oh my – seeing the hand of God in the disciplines and the difficult situations of life – Is God sovereign when a fallible human being is not making calls? How should we respond to that? It created good conversation points with my daughter afterwards. It’s not just her; it’s dad too. Teaching about God’s discipline is necessary.  

Parents, what are you teaching your children about hardship? Some teach their kids how to run from it; others teach them how to blame shift and avoid it. The Bible tells us that hardship is inevitable and unavoidable in life. Instead of teaching our kids to complain about it, our task is to show them how to see God’s hand in the hardship. 

Moses tells parents in that familiar Deuteronomy 6 passage: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” And when you’re coming home from that volleyball match. 

Our experience taught Sherry and me that a lot of these great teachable moments happened during the period of the day when you lay down. For example, when we are ready to lay down for the night and they want to talk, we can’t miss those opportunities. You have this window of opportunity; make the most of it. 

6. DISCERNMENT AND DECISIONMAKING 

Chapter 3, verses 21-22: “My son, do not lose sight of these— keep sound wisdom and discretion, and they will be life for your soul and adornment for your neck.” 

Now here’s a word that we need in our culture today and that children need, not just as a word but as an ability to have it as they’re growing up in this world: discernment. They need the ability to discern what is good and right and distinguish it from what is not good and not right. Parents need to do more than just tell their kids what is good and right. That approach works so long as they’re with their kids to make their decisions for them. But children need more than that; they need the ability to discern so that when they grow up, they can make decisions. 

Verse 23 continues: “Then you will walk on your way securely, and your foot will not stumble.” 

What are some areas where discernment is needed? What kinds of things should we be talking about? There are so many, including: 

• Money: how to make it, how to spend it, when to spend it, when to give it, when to save it 

• Relationships: who is a good friend, who is not a good friend, how to tell the difference 

• Time: what is a wise way to spend a couple of hours, what is a foolish way to spend a couple of hours 

• Social media: what is a wise post, what is not a wise post 

Teaching discernment in the decisions of life is necessary.  

7. LEARNING 

This brings us to another topic in the curriculum that is certainly related. In fact, it fuels the ability to have discernment. It’s the subject of learning. 

Chapter 4, verses 1-3: “Hear, O sons, a father’s instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight…When I was a son with my father…”  

In verse 3, Solomon talks again about what he learned from his father. Don’t you just love that here’s the biblical precedent for “when I was a boy…?” When I was a boy in my father’s house, he taught me. In fact, in verses 4-9, he repeats what he learned from his father. “He taught me and said to me, ‘Let your heart hold fast my words… Get wisdom; get insight…Prize her highly…” 

Then in verses 10-27, Solomon does with his son what his father had done with him. “Hear, my son, and accept my words…I have taught you the way of wisdom…” David had taught Solomon, and Solomon does the same thing with his sons. They both emphasize the importance of being a learner. 

Aren’t you glad that your kids don’t have to repeat the things that you failed in? They can learn from you; grandchildren can learn from grandparents. God can use experience as a teaching tool. Young people, if they’re wise, will listen, remember, and live in light of what they have learned. 

8. CHOICES 

Teach about choices. This is in chapter 4.  

The late humorist, Irma Bombeck, once reflected on what she had learned about parenting after her children left home: “I talked too much. I had good material, but I used it indiscriminately. I used the same two-hour speech on filling their glass too full of milk that I used when they stayed out all night without coming home. The speech lost its effectiveness.” There’s just something about going down the path of life, looking back and saying, “You know, that seemed to be so important, and it really wasn’t. Or maybe it was important, but it should have been a 30-second conversation, not a two-hour lecture.” We can learn from each other as we are seeking to pass on the faith to the next generation. A big part of parenting is teaching our children how to make God-honoring choices. 

What’s the issue that Solomon addresses in this section? Teach about a couple of paths. Teach them what path to avoid and what path to follow. 

Teach them what path to avoid: “Do not enter the path of the wicked…” (4:14) It is a firm instruction given here. 

I did some research a few years ago about the effects of television on teens. Television is just a tool; it’s not if you have it or not that matters, but what do you do with it. In a study in 2009, the research showed that 4,000 adolescents tracked for seven years showed a direct correlation between the amount of television watched and the development of depression later in life. By the way, as we’ve been hearing, depression and suicide amongst teens and young adults is increasing. The study said: “Those reporting more television use had significantly greater odds of developing depression for each additional hour of daily use.” Another study published in the journal Pediatrics said that the teens who watched the highest amount of sexual content on television are twice as likely to engage in intercourse as those who watch the least. “In effect,” write the study’s authors, “youths who watched the most sexual content acted older. A 12-year-old at the highest levels of sexual exposure behaved like a 14- or 15-year-old at the lowest levels.” That just makes sense.  

Parents, we need this reminder. There are a lot of voices out there seeking to influence the choices our children are making. Where does your voice fit into that mix? 

But we’re not just to teach the put off; there is also the put on: teaching them what path to follow. Solomon says in verse 18: “But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn…” There’s another one of those beautiful word pictures. 

Teach our children how to make choices and think through options. We won’t always be there. Are you talking to your children about the key choices of life or helping your counselees think through this? There’s a road to take and a road to avoid; every time we turn on the television or computer or listen to music; when we choose friends; especially when we choose a life mate; and of course, the greatest choice of all, what we do with Jesus Christ. 

Now here’s where the extended family— grandparents, aunts, uncles, the church family—can help and encourage. We need to create opportunities for our kids to hear accounts about what life is like on these two paths. I’ll never forget the conversation that I had with my grandfather years ago when I was a recently married seminary student. My grandfather was in his 80s and we were sitting in Milton, West Virginia in their apartment. He said: “Brad, I’m like Jonah. God called me to preach when I was your age and I did it for a while. Then I ran from God and I didn’t fulfill what He wanted for my life. Don’t do that.” I’ve never forgotten seeing his heartache. “Don’t do that.” That was a grandfather helping a grandson. 

9. HEART ISSUES 

Chapter 4, verses 20-23: “My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings…keep them within your heart…Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” 

We are not mere behavioralists. If we merely change our child’s behavior without addressing the heart, we have created something that’s not very commendable in the New Testament: a Pharisee. We do not want Pharisees. Pharisees know the Bible well; they can quote it; they can teach it; they can criticize others who don’t agree with it; they can even die for it. But for so many, it doesn’t change their hearts. They’re hypocrites. Jesus says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” 

Parenting involves addressing heart issues, including motives, attitudes, values, thought life, and aspirations. Listen to the parent’s plea: “Guard your heart, son.” I found Ted Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, so helpful when we were raising our girls. That’s a wonderful and really, really helpful book about going after the heart. This is also why prayer is vital, for we don’t have direct access to the hearts of our children, but He does. 

10. RESISTING SEXUAL TEMPTATION 

Here, we come to the subject that Solomon devotes more ink to than all of the rest put together. Chapters 5, 6, and 7 are all about this topic. 

He does it tastefully. He does it using some word pictures. Chapter 5, verses 15-18: “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth…” 

Hear this dad saying, “Son, devoting your life to one God-given woman is like drinking water out of a beautiful fountain, but playing around with sex outside of marriage is like gulping down stagnant water from a river that overflows its banks. Which would you prefer, son?” It’s just so helpful. Too often we’re negative and we tell our kids, “Don’t mess around and get in trouble.” That’s not the approach this father takes. We don’t help them to see why messing around and blowing it is not the course to take. There are reasons why it’s foolish to play around with sex before marriage and outside of marriage, whether that’s sex with an actual person, or an image on the screen, or verbally through texting. Let’s tell our sons and daughters, like the dad in Proverbs, that sex is so much better when it’s enjoyed as God intended within a marriage relationship. 

In Proverbs, this wise father basically gives his son a gallery of pictures. He wants the young man to think of these pictures as he develops and grows up. “Illicit sex, son, is like a man who has scooped fire into his lap. It’s like an ox being led to the slaughter. It’s like a deer stepping into a noose. It’s like a bird in a snare. It’s like driving on a road that leads to a freshly dug grave in a cemetery.” You can picture that. He knows his son will picture that as he’s moving out in life. “Of course, that’s the negative, son. Then, there’s the positive: it’s like taking a drink from this beautiful artesian well.” 

We are living in a sex-crazed world. The problem isn’t sex. Sex is a good, wonderful gift from God designed for marriage, but who’s going to tell our children that? How can we communicate it in winsome, encouraging ways? The world says that a child’s sexuality is something up to the child: he must decide for himself what he believes and wants. Solomon reminds us that it’s the parent’s privilege and responsibility. We need to start early. What does it mean to be a man or a woman? How is a man to relate to a woman? Why do I have these desires? How should I express them? These are the points of conversation. I was so thankful for my wife since she had such insight in this area, communicating with our daughters and helping me to see what part I could have in that. According to Genesis 1:27, our sexuality, and specifically our maleness and femaleness, is related to our being created in the image of God. 

Sexual sin is fundamentally a worship sin. That’s a whole other topic. John Street has written a book that addresses this. In Ephesians 5, the put-off is sexual sin, and the put-on is thanksgiving. According to Romans 1, the put on is worshiping the Creator and the put off is turning away from worshiping the creature. It’s really hard to look at pornography while you’ve been spending time singing, “Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea.” We put off; we put on. When we begin to worship and live a life of worship, it’s the antidote for this powerful attraction of sexual sin. 

11. INTEGRITY 

Chapter 6, verses 1-3: “My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, have given your pledge for a stranger, if you are snared in the words of your mouth, caught in the words of your mouth, then do this, my son…”  

Someone has described property law from a toddler’s perspective as follows: If I like it, it’s mine. If I could take it away from you, it’s mine. If I had it a while ago, it’s mine. If I say it’s mine, it’s mine. If it looks like mine, it’s mine. If I saw it first, it’s mine. If you’re having fun with it, it’s mine. If you lay down your toy, it’s mine. If it’s broken, it’s yours. 

Whose job is it to teach young people to pay their bills? To keep their appointments? To show up for work on time? To speak the truth and to honor commitments they make? Proverbs 6 says parents teach them this. Again, do they have the capacity to do this? No, they don’t. They need to be redeemed, and then there’s no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Then they move from a position of no condemnation to learning how to live this out, putting off and putting on. We are to teach our kids that if they make a commitment, they keep it, and when they fail to do so, they take ownership for that. We fail at times; we all fall short of the glory of God, to borrow from Paul in Romans 3. That’s why we need the gospel. 

To repeat—and I keep coming back to this—just like the law, Proverbs points us to Christ. Proverbs says to children and their parents, “You need a Savior, and He’s coming.” Praise God, we can say that He has come. As Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 1:30, “…and because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God…” According to the wisdom book of Proverbs, these are the issues that God wants parents to address with their children. 

CONCLUSION 

Are there other issues? No doubt, but these 11 are the ones that Solomon addresses and talked with his sons about, and that I have found to be so very instructive and very helpful both personally and working with other people. I commend them to you. The bottom line: What’s at stake? The issue isn’t merely what’s good for us; God didn’t give us this practical advice merely to make family life more pleasant for us. Sure, that’s a byproduct. But what’s at stake is nothing short of His glory; God is forming a people for His glory. The parenting process fits into this big picture of what God’s up to in the redemption story. The reason we must seek to have these kinds of families is because this is what God deserves. It brings honor to Him. It’s a part of His plan of making His glory known in this world, which is why He sent His Son, Jesus, into the world. Jesus died on the cross for sinners, not merely so sinners wouldn’t have to go to hell—a byproduct—but so they could become holy and wise and live for the glory of God. 

By the way, as a fellow supervising counselors who are in the supervision process, this is a common question that I ask: “Did you give a clear sighting of the cross in that counseling session? You were teaching this parent what to do with their child; was there a clear sighting of the cross?” Because it’s all about His glory, and He’s the one that provides the power for the change that’s needed in that session. 

What did we learn today? It’s not just good for us. The stakes are so much higher. It’s the reputation of God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. This is what we’re after in counseling: the weightiness of God. We want it for parents, for their kids, and for ourselves. I commend Proverbs to you as a wonderful resource to help bring that about.