Heath Lambert: This is the time of year when we sing “Joy to the World” and “Merry Christmas.” It’s a time that we think of as a happy season, as a time for festivities, and a time when we even make merry with our friends and our family members. But for so many people, this is a time of year that is not happy. It’s a time of year that is characterized by sadness and even very great sorrow. We want to talk about that this week on the podcast and our guest is Dr. Stuart Scott. Dr. Scott is the director of membership for the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, and he is a professor of biblical counseling at The Master’s University. Stewart, we’re glad you’re with us, and we want to talk about this issue of people who are sad at Christmas. What is it about Christmas that would have some people experiencing such sorrow?
Dr. Stuart Scott: Well, thank you, Heath. It’s a blessing to be here and join you. Yes, I mean, there are so many different emotions that we experience when we hit the holidays, especially Christmas. I think one of the major issues is there’s usually a loss, a loss of a loved one, that brings back all kinds of memories or loneliness—just being alone when everyone’s gathering as families. So that’s oftentimes the emotion there of why the sorrow, why the sadness?
Heath Lambert: Yeah, it is. It is usually connected to a loss and a relationship, right? I mean, it could be a death, a divorce, but there’s somebody that you want there, and the loss of them makes this, instead of a happy time—like it’d be if they were there, perhaps—you’re thinking about how they’re not there, and you’re longing for that.
Dr. Stuart Scott: And typically, there’s family, friends, relatives, pictures, people talking, and names are mentioned, and all of a sudden, you realize that person is no longer with us for one reason or the other, and then the sorrow sets in.
Heath Lambert: Yeah, I’ve known people who don’t like Christmas because a spouse died maybe on Christmas Eve or, you know, people who are unhappy at Christmas. Maybe for some people who are listening to this, this is the first Christmas that they will have without a spouse, without a son or a daughter, or without a parent. What can we do to help people who are going through pain like that at this time of the year?
Dr. Stuart Scott: Well, a couple of things come to my mind. First, I think we tend to think that joy and sorrow are antithetical. When really they belong in a person at the same time. I see it in Scripture where they are sorrowful, yet they have joy, and it’s okay to have sadness and be sorrowful. I think of Jesus, who was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and yet filled with joy in his earthly life here. Paul the Apostle talks about in 2 Corinthians 6 that he was sorrowful yet always rejoicing. It’s not one or the other; it’s both/and. When Job got the news of losing his family, all ten children died, and all of his possessions were gone. He had joy; he said, “blessed be the name of a Lord,” but had sorrow at the same time. I don’t think they’re antithetical. I think it’s dealing with how to have both at the same time but have them where they’re Spirit-controlled emotions.
Heath Lambert: So what would a Spirit-controlled expression of sorrow look like? It’s that first family gathering after the loss of a loved one.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Yeah, when I think of sorrow—and I was just kind of thinking through the Scriptures on this—sorrow turns wrong, I mean, it turns into an error or sinful when you’re controlled by your sorrow. When Jesus said to the disciples, why has sorrow-filled or dominated your thinking, your experience? Secondly, when we’re focused only on the temporal, when we’re only fixed on the here and now, and our mind loses our hope on the eternal, it becomes wrong. And another time I see that it turns into an error is when we’re looking at the circumstances, and with our sorrow, we see God through our circumstances, and he usually comes out distorted. So if they can think about the Scriptures and their view of God, and then look at the circumstance that’s sorrowful, they have an eternal perspective and that gives them hope because our hope is in the Lord. So it’s almost like when they get temporal and their focus—rather than trying to keep an eternal focus even with the sorrow.
Heath Lambert: So if we’re thinking just really practically, let’s say I’ve got somebody coming over to my house, and I know that this is the first Christmas without their spouse. Maybe one of the ways that I would put feet on this biblical instruction that you’re giving is by not having the expectation that they won’t be sad.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Be comfortable with people who have sorrow. Yeah.
Heath Lambert: When Paul said in Romans 9, he said, “I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart…” over unsaved loved ones. So if someone comes and they’re sorrowful—this is the first Christmas, it may be the 20th year without a spouse. But every Christmas, this brings it right to the forefront—in some ways, weep with those who weep. It’s okay to talk about the person who’s not there and try to think of the good memories that everyone had when that person was there, if it was a loss of a loved one. A lot of times, it’s just finding out why they are sorrowful. What issue are they sorrowful about? Pray with them. Seek to encourage them that they can have joy at the same time that they have sorrow.
Heath Lambert: So that’s what we’re going to do and think about if we are aware of someone who’s struggling. What if the person who’s struggling is us? What if we are the ones who are in trouble? What should we do when maybe we’re sitting there alone and we feel sad, and we don’t know what to do at this time of year? What should we be thinking about there?
Dr. Stuart Scott: Yeah, I think for all of us—and we all go through these times, and it doesn’t have to always be at Christmas—is always thinking, how can I love God more and love others more? It’s when we take our eyes off other people, and the Lord is when we tend to get in and wallow around. And that’s where sorrow can take a wrong turn, and we can become more self-oriented, almost into self-pity. But trying to be outward-focused toward the Lord, towards eternal things, and towards encouraging other people. If I’m sitting there alone, maybe look around the room. Is there someone else sitting there alone and go meet them and strike up a conversation? Try to love others. It’s just when we don’t do those two; we tend to go into ourselves.
Heath Lambert: It’s interesting that Christmas is the time when we celebrate the incarnation of God. Jesus came, and he came to give himself up, and so, maybe even right at the very heart of the Christmas message, is a call for us to serve others in a similar kind of way.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Yeah, and I think if our focus at Christmastime is on all-around earthly family and temporal gifts as a setup for trouble when it needs to be more eternal focused and reaching out to others and obviously the indescribable gift of Christ and the Gospel.
