What comes to mind when you think about your household-cleaning strategy? Better yet, what is your strategy when you have company coming over and you only have a little bit of time? Do you even have a strategy? There are several ways to clean your house, but two main competing themes come to mind. The first strategy is to clean every little thing that comes up. You dust every corner, you pick up everything in the room, you polish the furniture, etc. The other method is to focus on the significant issues that need cleaning, remembering that you can handle all the small things later. Yes, you need to put away your laundry, but no, you don’t need to dust under your piano.
That same principle can be incredibly helpful in counseling as well. One of the most common mistakes observed in supervising ACBC candidates is that the counselee can request help cleaning up every little “mess” or new problem. The question of whether the counselor wishes to address the new problem, or the order in which to tackle it, is usually not the real challenge in counseling. They are coming to counseling for their broken marriage, sinful communication, and unresolved anger. However, this week, they had a more minor and unrelated situation (say, a child who was discouraged because of receiving a poor grade), and they wanted your counsel for that particular matter, not to address the main significant issues.
It can be hard to know what to do as a counselor in those moments. There are several ways to think about this. One way to describe this approach is like closing pop-up advertisement windows. That isn’t to minimize their struggles and issues; these are real concerns they are bringing you. However, let me encourage you that doing this may lead to ineffective counseling and burnout. Here is what I would encourage you to do instead.
Acknowledge Their Concern
When someone brings up an issue to you, dismissing it out of hand will not prove helpful. You will only push them away through a poor display of the love of Christ. Furthermore, it may be challenging for them to listen to your counsel throughout the rest of your session, and it could result in an overall loss of relational capital. It is important to demonstrate your care for the counselee by acknowledging their concern.
That doesn’t mean you should automatically change your agenda and focus on the dust under the piano. You may believe that their concern warrants a change in plan, but you might not. Consider very carefully if you will change your plans to address their presenting problems.
If you do not believe that you should (and in most cases, it would not be wise to abandon your agenda), start by acknowledging the severity of the issue with your counselee.
Take Notes
Next, make a note about this issue in your notes (you are taking notes in such a way that keeps all this organized, right?). Although you may not think it is wise to move from your agenda, there could be value in circling back one day, so jot it down.
You can tell your counselee that you hear them and that you will circle back to the theme when the time is right. Many times, this will be a great encouragement to your counselee!
Look for Larger Themes
After this, look to see how this “new” situation might fit into the larger context of what has been happening in counseling. Many times, the counselee’s situation contains deep themes, patterns, idols, etc.
They may bring up a conflict at work. This might be a great time to talk about the issues you see at home as well. Often, these issues are not present in a vacuum, but you, as a counselor, have to see the larger picture and connect the dots. You can only do that if you have done good and careful data gathering in your opening sessions (you are doing careful data gathering, right?).
Handle Primary Things First
One of the most challenging things in counseling is knowing where to start. A metaphor that I often use with my counselee and trainees is that of the Emergency Room. When a person enters the ER with bullet wounds, the doctors and nurses are not primarily concerned with the patient’s eating habits.
Everyone in that situation is working toward one goal: preventing this patient from dying by stopping the bleeding. We often do that type of triage in counseling in the counseling room.
As you navigate the various issues that your counselee brings up, stick to the most significant problems you see in your counselee (you do have a bit of a map of counseling, right?). Knowing the major issues and where you are going will prevent you from cleaning up all the spills that come along the way.
Trust in the Lord and His Spirit
Finally, remember that you and your counselee must trust what the Lord is doing. There might be issues that they (and you) want to deal with, but you know you must handle other things first. You might even be graduating your counseling and know that much more work must be done, but you cannot handle that right now.
Both parties, the counselee, and the counselor, need to deeply trust God’s ability to handle all of these things. Your counselee may bring all kinds of issues that were not there when you started or were there, but you did not see them. Remember that you don’t need to clean them all up, and you don’t need to clean them up right away. There is wisdom in having a cleaning strategy.
Instead, assess the situation, minister the Word with dependence on God, and follow these introductory steps if things need to wait.
