Heath Lambert: Some of the most pain I’ve ever seen come into the lives of a family, is when there is a disagreement between parents and their adult children about marriage. Specifically, here what I’m talking about is grown children who have decided that they want to get married to somebody, and their parents don’t approve. Maybe the parents don’t approve because they don’t think this is the right person for their child, or maybe they don’t approve because they don’t think this is the right time for the marriage. But there is a conflict between parent and child. It’s not about the conflict about whether to date or not, the conflict is about my child has been in this relationship, and now they want to get married, and we think that is a bad idea. And it pits parental authority against the growing freedom that adult children desire to have, and it can really create a firestorm of conflict.
Producer: So, Heath, given what you’ve just said, what would be a good biblical framework for how to think these things through?
Heath Lambert: I think one text that captures the tension on this is Ephesians 6:1-4. It says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord.” In this text, on the one hand, you have parental authority: obey your parents and honor your father and mother. On the other hand, you have fathers bringing up their children. So there is real live parental authority, but there are also children growing up. So that we see over the course of a child’s life that relationship changes, everybody knows that the amount of enforceable authority that a parent has in their child’s life is different when they are two than it is when they are twenty. The question is, how do we sort through those things? You’ve got parents, on the one hand, who can often find it difficult after a couple of decades of really faithful and careful parenting, making the rules, everything from when you’re going to eat to when is the curfew. And now you’ve got grown children who are men and women and they want to make their own decisions, and so these biblical realities can seem like they’re in conflict if we don’t have everybody understanding the way that relationship needs to change.
Producer: So the question is now, what do we do? How would you help someone make this decision?
Heath Lambert: Yeah, we can’t just observe the tension and then leave it there because at the end of the day, you’re either going to get married or you’re not, and so you have to figure out what to do. I would give three recommendations for how to deal with the dilemma. First of all, you’ve got to evaluate the reasons for the objection. If a parent is concerned that you should not get married, or if you are concerned that your child should not get married, it’s not enough to say, “I’m your parent; don’t do it.” Because that kind of enforceable authority is something that gets less and less as a child grows up. I’ve known adult children who are 22, 23, 24, 25, and you’ve got parents who are going, “you can’t get married. I forbid it. This is Disobedience.” Well, that’s losing sight of the biblical balance here where we’re bringing our children up. So what’s important here? I think the way parents can be good parents and children can honor their parents is when we evaluate the reasons. What are the reasons for your objection? If the reasons are biblical: you’re marrying somebody who is an unbeliever, you’re marrying somebody who is irresponsible and is not going to be a good spouse. Let’s evaluate those reasons and not have it be so much about a parent’s enforceable authority, but let’s look to them as honored and treasured advisors and evaluate their reasons for their objections and evaluate those.
A second thing we need to do, I think, is to evaluate the wisdom of others. This is a blessing for parents and for adult children. Parents, who we are required to honor, have their opinions about this. They have their reasons about why this is not a good idea, but do what others think. What do the pastors at the local church think? What do the parents of the other member of the couple think? Let’s hear what other folks think. It’s a good thing for parents with objections to listen to the wisdom of other adults and other parents, and it’s a good thing for adult children to have other people who can say, “Hey, what your parents are saying is right, and you really ought to listen to it carefully.” Or, “We love your parents. We see what they’re saying, but we really don’t see any warrant for this particular objection.” And this is important because you don’t want it to be… If I were an adult child and my parents were not in favor of my marriage to my potential spouse, I would not want to go out on my own and do whatever I wanted to do. I’d want to be able to say, “Hey, there are otherwise godly people saying in my ear that they just don’t see this problem.”
And then a third thing is you need to evaluate the consequences. This is a powder keg. For parents who were disagreeing, I would say, how strong are your objections? Are you ready to be disinvited from the wedding? Are you ready to not be welcome when your grandchildren are born? Are you ready for it to be very uncomfortable at Christmas and Thanksgiving when the family is supposed to be together and happy? I would say to adult children, are you ready to have your parents say, “We’re not coming to the wedding.” Or to show up and have all the pictures that they posed in be of them frowning. Are you ready for the pain and awkwardness that comes with showing up at their house for the Fourth of July picnic with a husband or wife they don’t want you to be married to? I’m not saying that any of those responses are good and right, but I’m saying that they are realistic. And we need to understand. Jesus tells us to count the cost before we make a decision. And we need to say, “Hey, are these consequences worth it? Am I willing to burn up my relationship with my adult child to be right on this? Am I willing to burn up my relationship with my parents, who I have loved for decades, on this issue?” You just have to think that through. I would want to encourage everybody to step away from those kinds of consequences, but passions run high in these kinds of disagreements, and that’s not always the way it works out.
So I want to encourage people, evaluate the reasons for the disagreement, evaluate the wisdom of others, and evaluate the consequences. And then fight to be a loving person. Be willing to give up your preferences, be willing to hear somebody else out, be willing to go the extra mile for the sake of pursuing all the good relationships that the Lord has placed in your life, and then pray for his grace as you try to make a decision.
