Dale Johnson: This week on the podcast I’m thrilled to have one of my wonderful friends, my former pastor, Bryan Gaines. He serves as a pastor of Counseling and Biblical Discipleship at Grace Community Church in Glen Rose, Texas. He’s a regular contributor to thecbcd.org [1] regional training center of ACBC and has various resources on our website as well, which can be found on biblicalcounseling.com [2]. Bryan and his wife, Laura, just celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary, and they have four wonderful children, ages seven to twenty. The oldest is halfway through their supervision phase of being ACBC certified. He’s raising them well. Bryan, good job. I appreciate that. It’s good to have you, brother, and talk about this issue which is honestly so prevalent in our culture: the issue of sexuality. So welcome to the podcast today. Thanks for tackling a difficult topic.
Bryan Gaines: It’s good to be with you, Dale, and I’m so appreciative of the ministry of ACBC.
Dale Johnson: Now, what makes ACBC go – just as a plug – is local churches, like what we see down in Glen Rose, Grace Community Church, and the work that they’re doing in conjunction with a lot of other churches and the CBCD, one of our training centers. That’s just the beautiful collaboration that happens and that we see as being most fruitful around the nation and around the world: when churches are engaging in doing this type of ministry, both in training and in this type of soul care within their churches. It’s just an incredible thing. Out of that comes opportunities to minister in ways that our culture presents with this burgeoning issue of sexuality. I want us to think about this well. So God obviously designed sexuality to be good. Sometimes we have a tendency to think that if so much sexual immorality is happening then sexuality itself must be bad. Well, no, no, it’s good. It’s designed by God. This is something that we need to make sure that we understand very clearly. But the world certainly wants to turn upside down that design of God and really take what God has given as being good, and turn it upside down. And that’s exactly what’s happened in our culture. So I want you to speak to some of the misuses of God’s gift of sexuality regarding some of the issues that we’re seeing today.
Bryan Gaines: Sure, Dale. I think as we move towards the misuse of sexuality, I think it’s so important, as you mentioned, to go back to the proper use of sexuality. As we consider Genesis one and two, it’s God who created man and woman, it’s God who created sexuality, it’s God who brought them together and they were to enjoy God there in the garden and they were to enjoy each other. And there was no shame in doing so. They were naked and yet without shame. Yet, of course, we all know that the serpent came along and offered counsel to them that was directly opposed to the counsel that the Lord had given them. He sought to deceive, ultimately to destroy, and Adam and Eve disobeyed the Lord in eating of the forbidden fruit of which they were not to eat. The result of that is, of course, what we know: sin entered into the world. The curse of sin has infected all of life, including our sexuality. As we look throughout the Scriptures and as we look at our world today, we see that in regard to sexuality, so many continue in sin, failing to take God at His Word that we might experience, for example, the beauty of God’s good gift of sexuality as He intended it in the context of marriage. As we think about sexuality and it’s goodness but then also the misuse of it, Hebrews 13:4 is a passage that I just can’t get away from. It says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled.” Why? For God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Going back to Genesis chapter three, what did Adam and Eve do after they fell into sin? They began to play the blame game: It’s your fault, God, you gave me this woman, and It’s the serpent’s fault. And today in regards to sexual sin, people would rather not take ownership and look to the Lord in repentance, but oftentimes continue to blame: “if he or she would not have…” or, “it’s that cell phone that was in my pocket that made me sin…” Certainly, the gift of sexuality is from God and our sexuality is to honor God. I think one other key passage as we think about sexuality and how it’s to be set apart unto the Lord is 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4. Paul wrote, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification.” And what he says after that isn’t necessarily what I would have expected, “…your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” Not that you abstain from sex, because sex by God’s design in the context of marriage, in loving God and in loving your spouse, is a good and wonderful thing. But you must abstain from any perversion of that, from sexual immorality. “That each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor.”
Dale Johnson: I think what you just described is so critical. I love that even in your description, you’re teaching our people how to read the Bible and read it well. What the Bible is saying is that sanctification is God’s will for our life. What this looks like is not falling into sexual immorality. It’s actually abstaining. It’s pursuing that which God says is good by his design. Now, what we see happening in our culture is certainly a less than desirable picture of sexuality. It’s certainly not by God’s design. So many people are falling prey, maybe with the increased opportunities, as you mentioned, such as cell phones in our pocket and whatnot. There are so many ways that we fall into sexual sin or temptation that are so prevalent in the day in which we live. Help us to understand some of the pathways that people might recognize early on and some of the temptations that people might experience in a downward spiral toward sexual sin.
Bryan Gaines: So obviously we live in a world that loves and offers all sorts of instant gratification and fleeting pleasures. But Jesus said in Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is there, there your heart will be also.” We ultimately do what we do in proportion to what we desire, to what we love, and to what we’re worshiping. We pursue what we pursue because we think it will bring about the greatest fulfillment, the greatest satisfaction, or perhaps the greatest contentment. So why do people engage in sexual sin? Well, there is something they are wanting and they’re willing to sin in order to get it. But this completely violates the highest calling that the Lord Jesus Christ has given us in Matthew 22:37, where He says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” And then likewise, you are to love your neighbor as yourself. And obviously, in loving God wholeheartedly and in loving others, there is no place in our lives for sexual sin. Ultimately, when it comes down to it, I think so many engage in sexual sin because the love of Christ is not ruling their hearts. I love the passage in 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 where the Apostle Paul writes, “For the love of Christ controls us.” The love of Christ constrains us. It compels us because we have concluded this: that one has died for all and therefore all have died. And He died for all, that we might no longer live for ourselves. What is sexual sin? It’s living for ourselves. It’s not living for the glory of God. It’s not living for the good of other. It’s living for ourselves. He died for us that we might no longer live for ourselves, but for Him who for our sake died and was raised.
Dale Johnson: What a grace it is when you think of what Christ has done to free us, to give us liberty and to not be bound in that sinful pattern, to not be bound in that never ending cycle of regret and despair. What a grace of the Lord it is to think of that and to be compelled. I use that passage all the time in teaching and counseling and it’s one of the most critical ways of thinking. But you’re talking about a paradigm shift. At our recent ACBC conference, you had an opportunity to give a couple of breakouts. In one you were talking about John Bunyan and helping us understand his The Pilgrim’s Progress and counseling themes that we see there. You also taught on this subject: preventing and purging sexual sin. One of the things the Puritans are really good at, Bunyan particularly, is helping us to get to the issue of the heart. And when we combine these two concepts, the Puritans’ ability to get to the heart and using the Scriptures to get to what was really happening in the inner man that’s leading to this outward projection of sin and immorality, they’re addressing this issue in the heart. So I want you to use the concepts from Bunyan and the Puritans to help us get to the heart of dealing with and preventing sexual sin.
Bryan Gaines: I think it’s interesting that Bunyan wrote The Pilgrim’s Progress back in the 1600s, before we were born. It’s a great reminder of the timeless truth that we find in 1 Corinthians 10:13, that there is no temptation which is not common to man. This includes sexual temptation. Bunyan, in his allegory of the Christian life in The Pilgrim’s Progress, gives two very vivid instances related to how to, in essence, prevent or purge sexual sin in our lives. The first example is when Christian and Faithful have met up and they’re recalling God’s goodness to them and their journey up to that point. Faithful talks about being seduced by a woman by the name of Wanton. Wanton pressured faithful to turn aside with her, promising him all kinds of pleasure and contentment. Yet we see, as with Joseph when pressured by Potiphar’s wife, Bunyan writes that faithful fled from her. We rejoice in that, but he doesn’t leave it there. He gives us immediately another encounter with one. This one is called the old man, and the old man is known as Adam the First and he’s from the town of Deceit. As faithful encounters Adam the First, the old man, he offers and invites Faithful to come join him at his house where he’ll be able to enjoy all the delicacies that the world could offer. Then Adam the First even goes on to suggest that Faithful should marry his three daughters, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. Though Faithful says he was at first inclined to go with him to his house and to enjoy his three daughters, he then saw on the old man’s forehead these words, “Put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man.” So faithful again fled. Yet he was quickly overtaken by one who had the power to knock him out with one blow. When I first read that I thought, what in the world? He fled. Good. Praise the Lord. And yet, had he really, totally, fully fled? Who is Bunyan talking about that had such power to knock him out with one blow? Well, of course, we know as we continue to read and as we know the Scriptures, it was none other than Moses who represents our condemnation under the law. When faithful came to, after being knocked out with just one blow, he asked Moses why he had treated him in this way. Moses said that it was because of Faithful’s secret inclination towards Adam the First. While Faithful had fled Wanton and had fled Adam the First and the temptation of marrying his three daughters, what did Jesus say in Matthew 5:28? “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Bunyan is teaching us that though Faithful had fled from Wanton and had fled from Adam the First and his three daughters, in his heart, he hadn’t altogether fled. And as the law says, he deserved condemnation. Bunyan thus writes that Moses continued to beat Faithful until he lay as one dead. And when Faithful comes about, he cries to Moses for mercy. Yet what does Moses say? I don’t know how to give mercy. Moses continued to beat him and would have made an end to him, as Bunyan wrote, until One, with a capital O, came by and ordered him to stop. Then Christian asked Faithful, who was this one that came by? Bunyan said it is the one with holes in His hands and His side. What was Bunyan teaching us here? To truly prevent and purge sexual sin from the heart and behavior, we must encounter and must know the One with holes in His hands and in His side. Going back to 1 Corinthians 10: 13, it is Christ alone who can deliver us from sin, both from the penalty and power of sin, and by His grace, from the presence of sexual sins within our hearts.
Dale Johnson: Man, so good. I can’t help but think about those who are listening right now who are feeling the blow of Moses consistently. They’ve engaged in sexual sin, they’re giving their minds to these things consistently, they know what the commandments say, and they know what the Word of God calls them to. Yet, they’re feeling condemnation consistently and rightfully so. Describe what hope you give to them or to counselors engaged with them to offer some practical help and hope for engaging in battle and in purging and preventing sexual sin.
Bryan Gaines: We certainly want to help them move towards having a heart that’s controlled by the love of Christ rather than lust. I encourage those struggling with sexual sin to get involved in meaningful biblical accountability to help them develop a strategically biblical battle plan to keep the heart for Christ and from sin. John Bunyan, and we’ve talked about The Pilgrim’s Progress, but he also has another book that I think is almost equally as good called The Holy War, which is the allegory of Satan’s assault upon man’s soul, or the heart. Satan has a strategic plan to tempt or to assault our heart. At the ACBC conference in your opening session, which was so good, you discussed John Falvel’s Keeping of the Heart. Flavel says in there that if Satan wins the heart, he wins all. Flavel then went on to say: alas, how easy a conquest is a neglected heart. As we’re working with those who have struggled with sexual sin, oftentimes they’ve fallen into it because they were what David was. He was idle. In that idleness, it was much easier for him to engage in sexual sin. We want to help them develop a battle plan to be pure in heart and behavior. What might that look like? What might some components of that be? How might we help them think through this and work towards that? I think, of course, at the top that we’ve already mentioned is to prize the gospel and to do so daily. We want to get them into the Word and out of the world. We want to get the world out of the heart and the love of Christ in their heart. We do that by taking them to key passages that help them to meditate upon the person and the work of the Lord Jesus Christ, who He is for them, who they are in Him, and all the implications of the gospel for them. Certainly, those are key passages to memorize, study, and meditate upon. Also, in addition, I like to encourage those especially struggling with sexual sin to be in a devotional book that will just help them daily, intentionally, and systematically consider the person and the work of the Lord Jesus Christ. Some resources I often recommend in the counseling ministry – since we mentioned John Flavel, I’ll bring that up – The Fountain of Life. It’s so good talking about Christ and who He is. Another great one, a short little read, is A Gospel Primer for Christians by Milton Vincent. The gospel is not just for our salvation or justification, but also has every implication upon our sanctification. It’s so good to help them think through. One I’ve used in more recent years is by Bryan Hedges called Christ Formed in You: The Power of the gospel for Personal Change. I think it’s vital that we help people look to Christ each day. Of course, we help people look to Christ through His Word and resources that help us do that. But ultimately, they need to do so in absolute humility and dependence upon Him. We do that through prayer. So we want to encourage them to daily pray as they open the Word that they would behold the Christ of the Scriptures, and that they would know experientially the power of the Gospel. It’s able to help them truly transform and be conformed into the image of Christ. I might encourage them to memorize and then pray verses like Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! I would also encourage them to memorize and pray Psalm 119: 36-37: incline my heart not to pornography, not to sexual sin, but incline my heart to what is good, to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain. Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things. What is pornography? It’s worthless. In fact, it’s far worse than worthless. It’s destructive. It’s deadly. Then the prayer continues: and give me life in your ways. There’s only life in Christ. That path is found through His Word. Encourages them to cry out to God daily in prayer. Also, as they do so in the Word and in prayer, help them be surrounded by other mature believers that would help them to live in light of the Gospel, in light of Ephesians 5:15-16, where a Gospel response is to make the best use of time. Sexual sin is not the best use of time. It’s not a good use of time. It’s an unholy use of time. As part of that ongoing accountability and encouragement, we want to help others to put off impure thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are excellent, thoughts that are praiseworthy, and then to go practice these things according to Philippians 4:8-9; to do so for the purpose of – whether eating or drinking or whatever they’re doing – to do all for the glory of God. Part of helping those, especially as I’m thinking about men who have struggled with sexual sin, is to help them understand what it means to be a true man, and what it means to be God’s kind of man. Of course, the perfect picture of that is the Lord Jesus Christ. One resource we’ve been using in the context of our local church is a great book by Chris Mueller called Let The Men Be Men. In fact, just this past Sunday, I was working through chapter four with a young group of guys, and, to my knowledge, none of them are entangled in sexual sin, but they certainly know the importance of keeping their heart so that they will not be. We talked about Titus 2:2 in the context of chapter four of Let The Men Be Men, and Paul wrote to Titus that they are to be sober minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. We want to help men not just put off the things that shouldn’t characterize them, but to become like the Lord Jesus Christ, who was sober-minded, dignified and self-controlled. We want to help them then think through what each of those words mean. What is the implication of that upon your life? And and how can I help you pursue that and pray for you and encourage you accordingly?
Dale Johnson: I love the way that you’re describing this. I want to highlight one thing: you’re not describing a passive defense against sexual sin. What you’re describing is an active pursuit of something that wards off the temptations of sexual sin. It’s so important that we understand pursuing Christ in the ways that you’re describing; it’s absolutely critical. I was just having a discussion, Bryan, with my students a couple of weeks ago, and this topic came up. One of the things that I told him relates to what you said: one of the things that guys struggle with a lot is idleness. In that idleness, we’re so tempted. One of the things I was encouraging him to do was to stop being idle. Go learn to serve somebody else, because most of the time you’re going to fall into these types of temptations when you think about you. If you’re serving someone else, if you’re loving God well, and you’re learning to love others well, and you’re going to serve other people, you’re not being idle, and you’re not thinking about you. One of the most critical things that we can learn to do as people is to go do what God intended us to do: to serve other people. You should not be sitting around idle, being passive, just waiting on temptation to happen, wondering if you’re strong enough when those times arise. Go pursue the day in the way God intended us to live and pursue giving ourselves for the sake of others in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I appreciate the things that you’re describing and there’s so much richness to what you’re describing here and it’s very practical. I pray that our people will go back and listen to this over and over again. We’ll put some of the resources in the show notes. Bryan, thank you for being with us and walking us through how to purge and prevent sexual sin.
Bryan Gaines: Thanks, Dale. We’re all in this journey together.
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Additional Resources:
Keeping the Heart [3], by John Flavel
Let The Men be Men [4], by Chris Mueller