It has been said that the first several counseling sessions are the most important – and I agree. Yet it’s not uncommon for a counselor to find themselves starting well, making good progress, only soon to find themselves asking, “How do I end this thing?!?” As I think through the various ways this question is asked, I can’t help but smile. Here are a few:
“I think I should end it, but the counselee doesn’t! What do I do?”
“The counselee thinks we should end it, but I don’t! What do I do?”
“I know I should have ended it by now, but I don’t know how! What do I do?”
“They don’t even seem like they need ‘counseling.’ What do I do?”
“I don’t believe they’ll ever not need counseling! What do I do?”
If you’ve asked one of these questions before, or are asking one of these now, don’t fret – you are in good company.
When discussing the end of a formal counseling case, we need to first recall the purpose of biblical counseling. As biblical counselors, our goal is not simply to solve problems, nor are we simply providing relief from undesirable symptoms and/or situations. Our goal is to present every person mature in Christ (Colossians 1:28).
Categorically speaking, this means two things. First, we must lovingly address the specific issue(s) that brought them to counseling in the first place (i.e., the presenting “fruit” problem). Second, we must help them grow in Christ in all areas of life. Don’t miss this second point. So many people want the pressure of life and the guilt of sin to be lifted – which is not an inherently sinful desire – yet the point of the Christian life is not to not sin, nor is it to find temporal relief. The point of the Christian life is to become more like Christ (Romans 12:1), and to walk by the Spirit (Galatians 5:16). Thus, it is our job as counselors to gently restore others to the path of righteousness (Galatians 6:1).
It’s only when we have thoroughly and skillfully ministered the Word of God with both categories in mind that it’s time to start thinking about when and how to “graduate” a counselee.
By the way, the term “graduate” does not mean that they’ll never need counseling again, that sanctification and discipleship are finished, or that you can never speak to them again. Rather, it simply means they no longer need frequent, formal meetings for an acute issue.
WHEN Do I Graduate My Counselee?
I like to use a practical mnemonic to help assess whether a counselee is ready for graduation. Don’t read too much into the statement itself – it simply helps to encapsulate a variety of considerations.
“Remember, God Applies Counseling From Beginning to End”
- Remember – Remember why they originally sought counsel and ask yourself whether or not all their presentation problems have been addressed (directly or indirectly). The more your sessions move toward ancillary topics (that are still good), the closer you are to graduation.
- God – They know what God says in the Bible about their problems and can point to chapters and verses that deal with their issue(s) – especially heart issues. You must address the heart!
- Applies – They know how the Bible applies practically (put off and put on) to their lives. If they can articulate a strong theological position but still can’t connect it to their daily life, then they’re not done. Again, make sure they know and employ heart application as well. Don’t graduate a Pharisee.
- Counseling – They have started counseling themselves. In other words, they take responsibility for their failures, can accurately diagnose their failures, and know how to find biblical solutions on their own without your prompting.
- From Beginning to End – When considering your time together from beginning to end, changes can be identified. This means not only can you list and document changes, but they also see them and agree.
This framework is not intended to be a rigid checklist. Rather, it is intended to give you categories to think through when determining the timing of graduation.
If all that was more complicated than you were hoping for, try this: instead of asking, “How much longer do they need to sit with me?” learn to ask, “How much longer until they can stand without me?” The first question focuses backward—what has happened. The second looks forward—how they will handle future challenges. A mature counselee doesn’t just resolve yesterday’s issue because they followed your counsel; they are equipped for tomorrow’s issues because they know, and trust, Christ and His Word.
HOW Do I Graduate My Counselee?
Assuming you deem it time to graduate your counselee, let me offer four strategies for your consideration on how to end well:
- Do it Gradually
- Give notice. Let them know several sessions in advance that you are approaching the end. Don’t surprise them.
- Test independence. Loosen the specificity on the homework you assign. Consider asking them to create their own homework and see how they do.
- Space out meetings. Move from weekly to biweekly, etc.
- Do it With Instructions
I’ve seen several iterations of a “three-month plan for spiritual growth” through the years, all of which have been helpful (you can find them online with a simple search). To summarize, they all have the idea of giving your counselee a written plan for implementing the standard disciplines of Christian living. In other words, work with them to answer questions like these:
- What will your Bible reading plan consist of?
- What specific books, passages, and memory work are most helpful for your walk with Christ in this next season?
- What is an achievable prayer schedule for you?
- How will you serve your local church body?
- What are your plans for fellowship, discipleship, or small group?
- What music, podcasts, or sermons will you listen to and when?
- What other resources will you consult for continued learning?
Written plans may seem like overkill to some, but believe me, when temptation to fall back into their old ways comes, they (and you) will appreciate having a tailored plan to refer to immediately.
- Plan to Follow-up
If you can, plan to check in with them after a few weeks off. This might be a scheduled meeting or a simple conversation at church. To make the most of your time, ask them about the mnemonic device I mentioned earlier, as well as their three-month plan for spiritual growth.
- Connect them to the Church
This step is essential. Graduation should always transition a counselee from intensive discipleship with the counselor to shepherding and discipleship in the church. In fact, encourage your counselees to also seek out discipleship and shepherding early in the counseling process so that you can readily graduate your counselee to engage in church body life in the church. This means encouraging your counselee to lean into the ordinary means of grace, such as corporate worship, small groups, ongoing discipleship relationships, and service, as they continue to grow in Christlikeness. Graduation is not merely transitioning away from someone, but to something—that is, the church. Think hand-off, not cut-off.
Conclusion
Ending a counseling case is as important as beginning one. When done well, graduation is not abandonment but an act of entrustment—to God, His Word, and His church. As counselors, our goal is not to create dependence on ourselves but to equip people to depend on Christ. God may entrust our counselees to us for an appointed season, but He is faithful to bring other believers into their lives for ongoing discipleship, and He alone gives the growth in His children (1 Corinthians 3:6-9). To this end, may God help our churches to care well for those whom he loves dearly!
