Because I am a single woman, most of my counselees are women,1I do counsel some boys under the age of 12. usually in the “young adult” category. This means that most of my counselees are from Generation Z. Every student I have taught throughout my teaching career is also from “Gen Z.” I see firsthand the impact of the spirit of the age on this special group of people—Gen Z.
As I talk with Gen Zers2While I use “Gen Z” throughout this article, the concepts apply more largely to young adults, and even in some cases to older adults. Our zeitgeist impacts everyone living in this moment in history to one degree or another. about their hopes and dreams, the goal of marriage has grown increasingly absent from the conversations. At first, I was puzzled by this, but why? After all, I am single. I asked myself what unbiblical ideas Gen Zers might be falling prey to in the spirit of this age that impact their decisions regarding marriage. Do they hold to a biblical view of singleness,3See 1 Corinthians 7:1-40. or is the spirit of this age influencing them to pursue something good—singleness—for the wrong reasons?
The statistics overwhelmingly align with what I hear from my younger siblings in Christ—singleness is on the rise.4US Census Bureau, “Is Your State in Step with National Marriage and Divorce Trends?,” Census.gov, July 13, 2023, https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2023/07/marriage-divorce-rates.html; US Census Bureau, “Census Bureau Releases New Estimates on America’s Families and Living Arrangements,” Census.gov, November 17, 2022, https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2022/americas-families-and-living-arrangements.html. These young people seem to choose single life over marriage in the same way they choose blackberry flavoring over passion fruit. An inspection of today’s zeitgeist yields at least three prevailing poisonous realities that could be impacting the decisions of young adults to remain single.
What This Article Is and Is Not
It is the goal of this article to awaken our thinking to watch for these three poisonous realities driving young adult counselees’ desires to remain single. If young people today are pursuing singleness due to selfish pursuits, it is our job as counselors to lovingly guide these young people to think more biblically. It is not the goal of this article to be comprehensive in stating every poisonous reality impacting an unbiblical desire to remain single. Other poisonous realities exist, such as laziness, bad stewardship, promiscuity, and pornography. Discussing all of these is beyond the scope of this article, but the recommendations in the “How Should We Then Counsel?” section can apply more broadly to help draw out any unbiblical thinking in the counselee concerning his or her desire to remain single.
An Age of Distraction
Today, distracted living is no longer the exception, but the rule. Scripture speaks to the heart of the distracted in several places. God says to one who is living in a world of distractions… “Let your eyes look directly forward…. Ponder the path of your feet” (Proverbs 4:26); “lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven” (Matthew 6:19-21); “Look carefully then how you walk…, making the best use of the time…” (Ephesians 5:15-16); “Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth” (Colossians 3:2); “lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1).
There are many theories about the cause of widespread distraction, much of which is due to the increased access to, and interest in, video games, social media, mobile games, screentime, etc. There are never-ending distractions for Gen Z.5“More than one in two (54%) young people say the technology in their life distracts them from day-to-day tasks.” Sudipto Ghosh, “54% Gen Z Population Distracted by Obsessive Use of Technology,” AiThority (blog), February 1, 2022, https://aithority.com/technology/gen-zs-online-obsession/. One reverberating effect of this is that young men and women are distracted from God-given and worthy pursuits, one of which is marriage.
An Age of Procrastination
Distraction works hand-in-glove with procrastination,6“to put off intentionally or habitually.” “Merriam-Webster Dictionary: Definition of Procrastination,” July 1, 2024, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/procrastination. as continued surrender to distraction creates habitual and intentional choices to put something off. Procrastination is a formidable enemy of spiritual health. Most Gen Zers don’t see the dangers of ceaseless distractions, and even for those who do, it is not an easy battle to fight. And why would they fight it when they can simply adopt an “I’ll do that later” mindset fueled by the worldly concept of “adolescence,” which supposedly describes an interim period between childhood and adulthood.7Psychology Today Staff, “Adolescence | Psychology Today,” Updated in 2024, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/adolescence; Katie Silver, “‘Adolescence Now Lasts from 10 to 24,’” January 18, 2018, https://www.bbc.com/news/health-42732442. The stage of “adolescence” is an unbiblical construct, and is now said to include people aged 10-24, which has been extended from previously defining those aged 13-18 in the past.
A milestone for adulthood has historically been marriage, but this is being postponed and even discredited as a valid milestone of adulthood for young people.8“The estimated median age to marry in 2022 for the first time was 30.1 for men and 28.2 for women, up from ages 23.7 and 20.5, respectively, in 1947.” Bureau, “Census Bureau Releases New Estimates on America’s Families and Living Arrangements;” “For many, marriage has disappeared as a definition of traditional adulthood, as more and more younger people live together.” Patricia Cohen, “Long Road to Adulthood Is Growing Even Longer,” The New York Times, June 12, 2010, sec. U.S., https://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/13/us/13generations.html. Dr. Adam Tyson speaks of the dangers of the unbiblical concept of adolescence, describing it as an ongoing state of immaturity.9For more detailed information from Dr. Tyson’s research, see “the myth of adolescence,” Seminar Session B – The Myth of Adolescence – Dr Adam Tyson, June 1, 2024, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL1pD-YDoGU. The concept of adolescence provides an unintended “free pass” for continuing childish and irresponsible behavior which delays the pursuit of adulthood. Combined with ubiquitous distractions, this leads me to consider the impact of procrastination on young adults’ avoidance of pursuing marriage. Scripture only provides the categories of childhood and adulthood and assumes the importance of maturing spiritually (1 Corinthians 14:20; 1 Timothy 4:12; 2 Timothy 2:22; Hebrews 5:11-14).
An Age of Cohabitation10Cohabitation is just one product of the rise of normalization of sexual immorality. Other products include pornography, adultery, fornication, and masturbation.
Cohabitation11“the state or condition of living together as husband and wife without being married.” “COHABITATION Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.Com,” accessed July 17, 2024, https://www.dictionary.com/browse/cohabitation.is rampant in both secular12Sarah Kuta, “Gen Z Couples Are Moving in Together Faster Than Ever | Apartment Therapy,” August 24, 2023, https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/gen-z-couples-moving-in-37293502.and professing Christian circles13David J. Ayers, “Cohabitation Among Evangelicals: A New Norm? | Institute for Family Studies,” April 19, 2021, https://ifstudies.org/blog/cohabitation-among-evangelicals-a-new-norm. among today’s young adults. Since actions reveal what’s in the heart (Proverbs 4:23; Luke 6:45), the implications of cohabitation are massive. This exposes unbiblical beliefs of young people concerning everything from singleness to marriage to sex to relationships to Christ and the church.
I believe this is a (if not the) major cause of young adult Christians delaying marriage or abandoning the idea altogether. Scripture is clear of the sin of sexual immorality (Romans 13:13-14; 1 Corinthians 6:13-20; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; Hebrews 13:14). God’s way is not only better; it is best (Psalm 1:1-2; 19:11).14For a concise treatment of this issue, see Dr. Greg Gifford, “Transformed,” Exposing The Lies About Living Together, accessed July 12, 2024, https://transformed.org/podcast/exposing-the-lies-about-living-together/. Many young people do not know this truth of Scripture, or do not take it seriously. A young person cohabiting with a boyfriend/girlfriend is arguably falling prey to all three poisonous thoughts presented in this article, and probably more. We must speak explicit truth to this growing issue within our churches.
How Should We Then Counsel?
In counseling young adults, we need to include a search for the influence of any of these three poisonously unbiblical realities in the lives of our counselees. Those of us counseling young adults should…
- Apply Matthew 7:1-5. If you too are single, join me in asking yourself: Am I single for the right reasons? I must make sure I am living out a biblical view of singleness and not maintain my singleness for the wrong reasons.
- Ask data-gathering questions to probe the idea of sins of omission—what are you failing to do as you spend increasing amounts of time on seemingly harmless distractions?15For more on sins of omission and technology-related counsel, see Mark Shaw, Hope & Help for Video Game, TV, & Internet “Addiction” (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2008).
- Think in terms of what “put on” is not being put on because of distractions with entertainment or amusement.
- Explore the idea of pleasure or comfort as a heart idol.
- Watch for the concept of “busyness” in your counselee’s description of daily life, and use that as a prompt to dig further—what are you busy with? How much of your time is spent on self-serving activities? Break down a normal day in their lives from morning until night.
- Pay attention to evidence of immaturity in the words or behavior or habits of your counselee. This could be connected to use of time, general silliness, deflective humor to avoid discussing things seriously, etc.
- Watch for procrastination in any area of life (e.g., moving out of parents’ home, getting a job, attending adult Bible studies) as these can be indicators of habitual patterns.
- Teach God’s good purpose for marriage and the family.
- Teach explicitly that cohabitation is sexual immorality.16Romans 13:13-14; 1 Corinthians 6:9, 13-20; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; Hebrews 13:14. Pay attention to the response of the counselee to such teaching. Does he agree? If not, continue the conversation further. Does this seem to be the first time he has heard this? If so, recognize that this could be because he is unaware as a newer believer or has never been taught this explicitly.17Heath Lambert, “Truth in Love – Association of Certified Biblical Counselors,” Talking to Couples Who Are Living Together (Feat. Kevin Carson), accessed July 12, 2024, https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/podcast-episodes/til-040-talking-to-couples-who-are-living-together-feat-kevin-carson/. Proceed with grace and love, helping him see that “you’re accountable to God, and your sexuality matters to God.”18Seminar Session B – The Myth of Adolescence – Dr Adam Tyson.
- Utilize the example of Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride to flesh out the concept of the danger and unbiblical nature of cohabitation.
- Ask questions that will expose a love of self (2 Timothy 3:2) in the counselee. Does he view his family, parents, church, school, and friends as ones who are meant to serve him and his desires? The answers to these questions can aid you in helping your counselee to realize that his distracted, procrastinating, and/or cohabiting lifestyle is rooted in selfishness.
Conclusion
Singleness is spoken of highly in Scripture as a good thing (1 Corinthians 7:7-8). And it is good, when accompanied by a heart that is trusting God’s providential ordering of one’s life. But today, it is important for counselors to recognize that young people’s singleness may be a symptom of a deeper, sinfully-motivated problem. We do not want to assume anything unwisely, as Job’s counselors did, but we want to help our counselees pursue godliness in all areas, including this area of singleness.
Helpful resources on singleness:
Biblical Counseling and Singleness – Conference Message by Hannah Carter
Help for Single Women Desiring Marriage – Truth in Love Episode 214
