Have you ever wondered, “How can I truly help this person when I haven’t experienced his suffering?”
It’s a good question—and an honest one. When we sit with someone carrying unbearable grief, we feel our limitations. We may fumble for words. Their pain might seem foreign to us. Yet here’s the freeing truth: you don’t need to have lived the same story to offer gospel hope.
The valleys of suffering vary in detail, but the scenery is familiar: fog, heaviness, and that haunting one-word question— “Why?”
That shared experience in a fallen world is exactly why God gave us the Psalms, and one example of many is drawn from Psalm 13.
Psalm 13: A Map for the Valley
David begins Psalm 13 with gut-level honesty:
“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him,’
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.” (vv. 1–4)
This isn’t polite prayer language—it’s raw lament. David feels abandoned, unseen, unheard. Yet he is not alone. Job cried out, “Why do you hide your face?” (Job 13:24). Habakkuk asked, “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but You do not listen?” (Habakkuk 1:2). Even Christ himself on the cross cried, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46).
Counselors, notice this: God isn’t offended by these cries. He inspired and preserved them. This means that part of our work is giving people permission to bring their raw honesty into God’s presence. We don’t need to rush to tidy up their grief, and we certainly don’t need to pounce on statements that are theologically inaccurate in those moments. Instead, we must help them bring their lament to our God, who knows, sees, and cares for them.
But lament is not the final word.
The Shift from “Why” to “Who”
In verses 5–6, Psalm 13 pivots from “Why” to “Who”:
“But I have trusted in Your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because He has dealt bountifully with me.”
David doesn’t get his “why” answered. But he remembers the “who”— God’s steadfast, covenant love, and His past faithfulness. As David recalls God’s unchanging character, his hope is renewed in the present because God is good and does good to His people (see also Psalm 119:68).
This is where we can offer encouragement to suffering saints. Let me share a glimpse of the counsel I gave to a couple experiencing deep affliction and grief:
God is not indifferent. Though His face may seem hidden, He has not abandoned His post. This same valley was travelled by Jesus, don’t forget. Remember in the garden, how He fell to the ground and cried out, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. … Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done”? His grief was so heavy that His sweat fell like great drops of blood. Jesus, who came to bear the weight of our sin, mourned what lay ahead of Him with an honesty and agony that mirrors your own.
Yet even in His mourning, Jesus ran to His Father and poured out His heart, and it is there that He found the strength the Spirit supplies to press on. The Father gave Him the necessary grace to fulfill the task set before Him, and He willingly carried the cross to death and drank the cup of the Father’s wrath.
So, crawl up into the arms of your heavenly Father and ask the hard questions. Bring your heavy heart before His throne of grace and know that He will comfort you. He will give you the grace and strength to endure. He will strengthen you with the ability to put one foot in front of the other. He will do this because He is a covenant-keeping God. He is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond what you are able, and when you feel that you are at the end of your rope, run to God, who raises the dead, who brought you out of darkness into light, and who is sustaining your faith right now.
I believe that is the heart of gospel-centered counseling: we don’t (and we can’t) explain the hidden providence of God, but we can and should point people to the unchanging character of God. Trials may remain unexplained, but God himself remains present, faithful, wise, good, merciful, sovereign, and trustworthy.
What This Means for Counselors
So, what does this mean when you’re sitting with someone in deep sorrow?
You don’t need the same scars. You don’t need to have lost a child to comfort grieving parents, battled cancer to walk with the sick, or experienced betrayal to counsel the betrayed.
What you need is confidence in God and His Word. God has already provided His people with the categories, language, and hope they need in the whole of counsel of Scripture. Our task is to minister the Word with the help of the Spirit and walk with them into their valleys of suffering.
You can model the journey of Psalm 13. Help counselees give voice to their pain. Sit with them in their questions. Then help them lift their eyes to the God who has proven faithful in the past and who promises never to abandon His children.
The Counselor’s Call
At the end of the day, biblical counselors aren’t answer-suppliers. Biblical counseling should never seem like “Whac-A-Mole,” where every thought that comes out of the counselee’s mouth is met with a Bible verse, especially in cases of deep suffering. Instead, we are guides who point suffering saints to the One who holds them fast.
We may not know why every trial unfolds as it does and we don’t know for how long it will continue. Even the martyrs in Revelation cried out, “How long, O Lord, holy and true, will You refrain from judging and avenging our blood on those who dwell on the earth?” (Revelation 6:9-10). However, we know Who is with us in the valley—King Christ, the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, is presently sustaining us. And He is coming quickly (Revelation 22:7, 12, 20). Suffering may be for a season, but eternity is fast approaching. Christ alone, who’s worthy of our trust in life and in death, is soon coming back to rule and reign and crown His children with the crown of life. The cross always precedes the crown, so keep your eyes fixed on Christ because your joy, peace, and hope will be found in Him.
Take heart, fellow counselors: you don’t have to share the same trial to share the same gospel. The gospel is enough. It is more than enough; it is God’s power to comfort and strengthen your heart in every good work and word (2 Thessalonians 2:13-17).