I ’ve never run a marathon, well, not physically. But my running shoes have been on my feet for the last 15 years as I’ve been involved in a different kind of marathon. Oh, how I’d hoped it would have been a sprint, but that has not been the case. My marathon? Being the mom of a prodigal adult child. In the beginning, I begged God to give me a different ‘test’ for my spiritual growth, but now looking back, my heart is filled with thankfulness to the Lord. So, how do we help and give hope to parents of prodigals?
- Take Time to Listen and Process Biblically.
Each story is different. Most of these parents feel a depth of pain and a significant loss of the relationship they once had. From the beginning of time, people have been running and hiding and making attempts to cover their sinfulness (Genesis 3:8). And that is what many prodigals do.
However, for some there is no hiding. Rather, there is a blatant and uninhibited display of independence and rebellion that unashamedly flaunts itself in public and on social media. In the face of parents and family members, it brings feelings of embarrassment and shame upon those who love the prodigal most. As biblical counselors, we do not advocate “talk therapy”, but listening is nonetheless one of the first ways we can demonstrate love and compassion. And God calls us to comfort others as we have been comforted (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Initially, most parents are in shock, and many assume blame for their son or daughter’s behavior. “How did this happen? What did I do? Is this my fault.” It’s important to listen, but we must also lovingly remind parents that no one forces a young adult to leave his home and live an independent, radically selfish, in-your-face life. James reminds us that everyone does what they want to do, driven by the desires of their heart (James 1:14). There are no perfect parents. In Isaiah 1:2, God, the perfect parent tells us, “Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me.”
- Ask Good Questions that will Expose the Heart.
It’s not uncommon for Christian parents to view their child’s decision as a personal affront, and as a result, become sinfully angry. But a wise counselor will lovingly remind parents that the son or daughter who is in rebellion, is first and foremost rebelling against the holiness of God and the authority of His Word.
“After all I did for him, and this is what he does?” It’s easy for parents to believe they are entitled to obedient children since they brought their kids up in the Lord. Some believe their own obedience as parents should be rewarded. They did their part and now expect God to do come through with His.
Proverbs 22:6 is the premier verse that many Christian parents hang onto, clinging to it as a promise and guarantee that their kids will grow up to be godly. Proverbs is a book of general life principles and not a book of guarantees. Are parents able to make their kids love God or trust His purposes? Of course not. Parents are simply called to be diligent as they point their children to the Lord with His Word, trusting God with the outcome (Deuteronomy 6:7, 1 Corinthians 3:6-8).
- Salvation is of God.
Salvation is a gift of God by grace alone and through faith alone (Ephesians 2:8-9). Only God can open blind eyes and soften hard hearts. Only the Lord can cause prodigals to “come to their senses” (Luke 15:17), and only the Lord can “grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will” (2 Timothy 2:25-26).
Parents are desperate for their son or daughter to be saved. In their pain and feelings of hopelessness, some try to connect their prodigal to individuals who they hope can speak some sense into them. But it is not long before parents realize their attempts are futile. Only the effectual work of the Spirit of God can bring light out of darkness (2 Corinthians 4:6, I Peter 2:9).
- Have Peaceful Conversations Where Your Hearts Connect.
Encourage parents to take a genuine interest in the life of their prodigal and see their value as God sees them. My daughter bears the image of God as she plays the piano, sings, takes time to prepare a wonderful meal, or as she compassionately cares for her patients at the hospital. I show that I care by asking questions about common ground topics where our hearts connect.
- What’s your favorite recipe you’ve enjoyed making lately?
- Where do you hope to go on your next vacation?
- What has been the most challenging situation for you at work?
- If you could attend any concert, what would it be?
I can be happy for her and rejoice in her accomplishments without compromise or reservation (1 Corinthians 13:6). It’s easy for parents to ‘throw the baby out with the bath water’ so to speak. All they can see is their child’s sinful heart glaring at them like a neon billboard. It’s important for me to simply enjoy life with my daughter. I feel no pressure to force a spiritual conversation. But I am also comfortable engaging when the opportunity arises.
- Never Stop Praying.
Only prayer can quiet the anxious heart of a parent and bring peace (Philippians 4:6-7). Early on, a good friend scheduled a prayer meeting at her home and invited many of the women from our church. What a sweet and encouraging time as we wept together and cried out to God on behalf of my daughter. As a parent, it is comforting each time someone tells me they are praying for her.
- The Change is in Me!
Ernie Baker wrote a BC blogpost entitled, “Promises for Parents of Prodigals”.Ernie Baker, “Promises for Parents of Prodigals, Romans 8:18-31,” BCC Blogpost, January 22, 2021, https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2021/01/22/promises-for-parents-of-prodigals-romans-818-31/ In it he said, “I imagine this trial has revealed some things about you that you don’t like. Maybe anger, depression, or cynicism against the Lord or His church has come to the surface. The Lord is revealing these things so that you can learn to trust Him more, grow to be more like your Savior, and eventually see that He is faithful.”
That is exactly what the outcome has been for me. Over the years of my marathon, God has graciously used my race to expose my heart and grow me to look more like Jesus!
Questions for Reflection
- How can churches lovingly come alongside parents of prodigals, displaying to them that they are not alone in the marathon?
- What are some specific ways you pray for the prodigals in your church?
- As you think of parents in your church who have prodigal adult children, what are some practical ways you can be an encouragement to them? Put yourself in their place.
