I once had a counselee ask me how she could stop longing for a desire that was unmet in her life. The thing she longed for was not wrong. In fact, her heart’s desire was something that was good and was from God. However, after many years she was beginning to realize and acknowledge that her desire may never be fulfilled. As a result, she was struggling to know how to live her life to honor God in response to her situation. This counselee was not alone in her struggles; I have met with many women who are living with unmet desires and empty longings. The truth is, all of us live this way to some extent.
This begs the question: how do we respond to these unfulfilled longings that plague our hearts? How do we do more than try to fight the longings or cover them up in hopes that they will go away? As I have experienced my own unfulfilled longings, God has faithfully taught me that He intends to use the emptiness in our hearts to produce in us something that is of lasting value and worth. There is much to learn from God’s Word regarding these questions, and many treasures to gain as a result of walking this painful road.
Learn Gratitude
We are admonished in Scripture many times to put on a heart of gratitude and thanksgiving. The Apostle Paul tells us in several different places that it is God’s will for us that we give thanks in everything and in all circumstances, to the point that we are overflowing with gratitude (Colossians 2:7, Colossians 3:15-17; 1 Thessalonians 5:18).
How then do we fill ourselves with thankfulness to God when there is an aching inside for something that He has not willed? We must seek daily, and with great intentionality, to take note of and thank the Lord for what He has given to us and done on our behalf (Psalm 103). As humans we are tempted to become myopic and even obsess over what we don’t have, instead of delighting in all that we do have. For the counselee that lives with unmet desires of the heart, she must fight the temptation to focus on what God has not allowed in her life, and instead overflow with gratitude and joy for the many ways in which His goodness and grace have been lavished on her (Ephesians 1).
Choose to Honor God in our Response
Choosing to honor God with our responses to pain can be exceedingly difficult. We can help our counselees, and remind ourselves, to respond to unmet desires in our lives with the right attitudes, words, and behaviors. It can be a temptation to be filled with fleshly and sinful displays of bitterness, anger, jealousy, manipulation, and self-obsession.
During these times, we must fight back, dying to our own desires and selfishness, seeking to be filled with the fruit of the Spirit even when we are hurt and grieving (Galatians 5:22-23). When tempted to become bitter, we must fight for gratitude. When tempted by anger, we must ask God to soften our hearts. When riddled with jealousy, we must learn contentment. When we find ourselves seeking to manipulate in order to change our circumstances, we must submit to God and His plan for our lives. When all we see is our own unmet desires, we must seek to think less of ourselves and turn our pain into an opportunity to serve and love others (Philippians 2:4; 2 Corinthians 1:3-5). Wallowing in the ache of unmet desires is a stranglehold on the soul, but choosing to respond to our pain in a God honoring way will bring freedom and joy.
Desire God Above All Else
Many times we long for things that are good and are from God. The single man desires to be married, the infertile woman longs for a child, the wife wants her husband to understand and value her. But these godly desires can become disproportionate if they develop into something we must have to be happy and satisfied. Desires that start as a wish or hope can become an idol in the heart propelling the seeker to stop at nothing to get what they want.
We can help the counselee see that the real treasure is not in getting what they think will make them happy and satisfied, but in submitting to what God is doing in their life. As they learn to submit to and trust the Lord, they will begin to desire the growing faith, trust, dependence, and fruitfulness that comes from the trial more than their earthly desires being met. In the same way, the Apostle Paul left us an example to follow when he chose to count all things as less significant compared to the riches of knowing Christ Jesus his Lord (Philippians 3:8).
Allow God to Meet Your Longings
For the counselee who is living with an earthly longing that God has chosen not to satisfy, it reveals a deeper longing that only can be satisfied in God Himself. In our emptiness and yearning we must look to God to meet our desires. The wife that is not understood or valued by her husband can press into God and cling to His understanding and presence when she is lonely. The single man who desires a wife can rest in the assurance of God’s sovereign care and provision. In Psalm 16, we learn that we have no good in life besides the Lord and that He alone is our portion. King David proclaims that in God’s presence there is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore (verse 11).
Surrender to God’s Sovereignty
As humans we tend to think we know what is best for our lives. When we long for something we can convince ourselves that it is what we need, and God withholding it can appear cruel and unloving. It is during these times that we must learn to trust in His sovereign and loving care over our lives. Learning more of the character of God and adhering to the truth of His promises reminds us that, everything He allows or does not allow, is inside of His wise and sovereign plan. Psalm 18:30 declares that “As for God, His way is perfect”! His ways are perfect, we can choose to surrender to His sovereign care, trusting that He knows perfectly what we need (Romans 11:33).
Cling to the Hope of Eternity
Finally, living with unfulfilled longings in life trains us to shift our focus from the earthly and temporal and to long for the eternal. When God’s plan for our lives includes allowing a deep ache inside that seems to not go away, we can look forward with hope to a time when all our tears will be erased, and there will be no more suffering or pain (Revelation 21:4). In our longing, we learn to live as exiles on Earth, knowing that our real home is in Heaven (Hebrews 11:13-16). Praise be to God, that in Heaven all our earthly longing will cease, and that we will finally be in the presence of the One who gives fullness of joy!
