Blended families are becoming more and more common in today’s world, including among Christians. This blog is not to discuss what criteria should be for blended families, on topics such as divorce and remarriage, but I want to help our blended families and those counseling blended families, remember some great, hope-filled, transformative truths from Scripture.1See Jim Newheiser’s “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers” for questions on divorce and remarriage.
Firstly, I don’t consider myself to be an expert in understanding the complexity of blended families. Each family is unique. However, I do want to say that God has a high view of marriage and family, whether they are blended or not, and there are great truths to live by in the Scripture that provide necessary help. Thus, here are some biblical principles about blended families:
On Marriage:
Marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman, created in the image of God, that results in unity of purpose for dominion under God.2This definition is from the resource on marriage provided by Sonrise Counseling Ministries, Ozark, MO. Marriage, even when two blended families come together (given that the remarriage was done biblically), is instituted and ordained by God. Thus, the character of marriage is established by God. When two families blend together to form one family, they submit to God to give them direction and understanding on how to function in marriage. Thus, the sanctity of marriage remains the same. Marriage in a blended family is ultimately to glorify God, just like any marriage (2 Corinthians 5:9). And so, based on the desire to please God, the blended family fulfills their roles as husband, wife, parents, and children (Ephesians 5:22-6:4). As complex as it is to work out the details pertaining to blended families, who come from different households with different traditions and ways of doing things, the great motivation to fulfill the God-given role in marriage comes from the desire to honor and glorify God. With the goal in mind, a man leads the family with love and sacrifice, and the wife submits to the husband. They both lead their family according to God’s instructions, and in return, the children honor their parents. All for the glory of God.
On Parenting:
The most complex issue when it comes to blended families, from my counseling experience, is the issue of parenting. Now, one of the mistakes that I see blended families make often is that they jump into setting boundaries and guidelines for parenting and make that a priority over everything else. As a matter of fact, most of such marriages are spent working out the parenting aspect of marriage. Most conflicts arise because the parents don’t agree on parenting. And while the guideline for parenting is important, especially to establish it through God’s Word, one must see the order in which God views family. According to Scripture, a family unit is strong when marriage is strong. Our Lord Jesus taught on the importance of marriage and the priority of the spousal relationship in marriage in Matthew 19:5. After our relationship with God, the relationship of husband and wife should take the most priority, and when the marital relationship is strong, it will only benefit the couple in setting good biblical parenting guidelines. A couple in a blended family that prayerfully and submissively works towards strengthening their marriage will work better as a unified front in establishing expectations as parents. Often, the not getting along with parenting or discipline issue is the result of not getting along with each other in marriage. This is true for any marriage.
That said, the role of parents in raising their children with love in instruction of the Lord and discipline remains the same in the blended family. Parents, leading by example through their marriage, are to reveal to their children that God’s way is the best and disciple them in God’s Word. The example of love and godliness from parents will encourage and uplift the children in moving from their own struggles about the blended family to a God-honoring relationship with their parents as love and trust are built. With patience and prayer, parents work towards building a loving relationship with all children to fulfill their responsibility in raising them for the glory of God.
On Discipline:
One of the key disagreements in a blended family can often be about discipline. Discipline motivated by the love for children that desires to see them honor God is a responsibility given to parents (Proverbs 3:12). Often, inconsistency and partiality in discipline lead to various conflicts within blended marriages. The general principle would be to set up and enforce discipline fairly and consistently for all the children. In most cases, the natural parent might be in the best position to discipline his or her own children, while the stepparents can continue building relationships, trust, and respect from their stepchildren. Nevertheless, careful planning and consistency are key for parents to enforce fair discipline among children in a blended family.
For Children:
Often, children have a hard time accepting their parents’ marriage to another person in a blended family. The role of parents is to lovingly teach them and show them their marriage as an example to help them move past this hurdle, as discussed above. Sometimes, this takes work, patience, and time. Lead them gently. However, by God’s grace, it is possible. Nevertheless, the Scripture also sets a biblical expectation for children, which is to obey and honor their parents (Ephesians 6:1-3). Obeying and honoring the parents is one of the indications of obeying and honoring God. Thus, children in the blended family are to be encouraged to do so towards both their natural and stepparents, as long as their parents are not asking them to do something that God forbids.
Last encouragement to parents:
I saved the best for last. For those in blended families, one of the biggest encouragements that I can give you through this blog is to focus on your spiritual life. If you are growing in your spiritual life, being filled with the spirit, holding fast to the word of God, walking in the ways that God has established for you, you will already have the right foundation to fulfill your role in marriage and parenting (Ephesians 5:15-21). When our vertical relationship (relationship with God) thrives, our horizontal relationship is bound to thrive as we function with more grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness, which we firsthand experience in our lives from God every day.
This article does not address all the realities and practicalities that come with blended families. And I also recognize the difficulties and hardships that come when two families blend into one. However, God’s Word sufficiently provides all that we need for life and godliness, including how to be faithful to live out a godly marriage and parent children in a blended family (2 Peter 1:3). There is nothing that satisfies a Christian more than realizing that our lives bring honor and glory to our God. God blesses faithfulness, and our faithfulness in being spirit-filled through God’s Word and submitting to His instruction to fulfill our roles in marriage and parenting will ultimately be a blessing to our marriage and our family, and ultimately, for the glory of God.
