Perhaps you have become an expert and do not experience such counselees. Maybe you had a few along the way and gave up on them. Or, you have had one or two but have written them off as irresponsible individuals who were not worth your time, and you quietly hoped you would not get another. If you have been counseling for any length of time, you have already had a name flash across your memory. But let’s not view these experiences as failures but as opportunities for growth. Perhaps you have asked one of several questions in your contemplation as to why. At least three questions come to mind. Do you identify with one of them?
The first question that comes to mind is something like this. Why does the counselee not stay on the course and do the work it takes for him to change? The second one may be about you. Where have I failed? This self-reflection is not a sign of failure but a powerful tool for our counseling so that we will constantly improve and adapt our approach to each counselee. It’s not about blaming ourselves but learning from our experience. The third question that came to my mind with such counselees was this: Why does the counselee keep returning to my well when he does not grasp the help offered and does not experience the necessary growth to handle life’s issues by seizing upon his spiritual resources? Your question may be of another genre, but you can likely identify with one or more of those mentioned.
What May Have Gone Wrong?
Think of this blog in Special Forces terms as an After-Action Review (AAR) geared to learn from success and failure. First, you may have failed to use all your listening tools (I often tell my students that Mr. Question is your best friend). Secondly, you failed to get to the heart problem. Your efforts were invested in symptoms. The heart problem is critical. Focusing on a symptom will often result in apparent success but will generate another issue in its place. Third, you may have taught your counselee to reform rather than helping him cooperate with the Spirit to be transformed. These are opportunities to develop wisdom and improve our counseling skills and methodologies.
The counselee may not have been honest with you. He may have been indoctrinated by previous therapy, worldly philosophies, and a secular worldview. He may have been good at doing homework as an academic exercise. He may have had a well-hidden route of bitterness. He may have had a head knowledge of the Bible and possessed a biblical vocabulary without understanding, thereby filtering passages read in the session, yielding further misunderstanding. Or he may not be a genuine believer with a regenerated heart and mind.
You Did the Review (AAR), Now What?
You put the file in the cabinet and added such a counselee to your periodic prayer list of past counselees who terminated counseling unsatisfactorily. Several months or a year later, he is back on your roster. You ponder, “Why is he back on my calendar?” and then you quickly repent of such skepticism.
The next step is to pull the file and check your AAR. Now, jot down your possible failings on previous occasions in bullet points. Secondly, schedule a free hour to carefully review his counseling case and your notes from beginning to end, considering your AAR bullet points. Before beginning this process, take some time in prayer, asking the Spirit to give you eyes to see what you need to see. Seek counsel from another seasoned counselor. End the time by writing a plan for the coming session. However, be prepared to adjust the plan depending on what the counselee presents and the unfolding of new data.
As you move through that next session, determine to appraise this counselee of your preparation process, in part, as a hope-giving component. While you need to listen carefully, including questions with follow-up questions, you also need to inform the counselee of your evaluation of weaknesses on his part in the precious counseling. Finally, gaining a fresh and reasonable, detailed commitment to the counseling process and its various components will be profitable.
Case Study
The following case comes from my files. They are entirely neutral of all identifying elements, including place and time. Names are pseudonyms.
Case Study of Sam
At our first meeting, Sam was a 46-year-old single man. He presented his intention to pursue premarital counseling, so I proceeded with my normal premarital counseling process.Eyrich, Howard. Three to Get Ready: A Premarital Counseling Manual, Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 1997. As my memory serves me, we made it through the first four of five sessions and all the homework prescribed in the program. It became evident that the relationship was fraught with difficulties and that they required pre-premarital counseling if the relationship was to continue. They terminated counseling and the relationship. The woman was happily married within two years, and my counselee remained single. Approximately six months after the termination, he showed up on my calendar with a desire to reflect on the happenings. Unfortunately, he kept the conversation on the surface, and after several sessions of inadequately completed homework, he stopped coming to sessions.
This pattern continued for the next eight or so years. However, on each sporadic occasion, I gathered bits and pieces of information that began to unveil heart issues. The biggest of them was a combination of bitterness and guilt. The bitterness was towards his father for mistreating his mother. The guilt was over a tragic accident for which he erroneously blamed himself, and he connected his father’s death to the incident. Over the next year or two, we sorted this out carefully. We brought the truth of the gospel to bear upon the bitterness following the exhortation of Ephesians 4:31-32 and then the false guilt over the mistaken conclusion he had drawn.
During this time, he began seeing a widow. We walked through premarital counseling, and they married. With a little post-marital counseling, they became a godly couple practicing spiritual disciplines, serving together, and enjoying life. His perpetual grey cloud was replaced with a glow. About two years later, they asked for an appointment. His first words were, “We are not in a crisis, but we have a hairline crack and want a little help, so we don’t widen it.” My first response was to commend them for their wisdom and assure them that sometimes, we all need an outsider’s perspective, and getting it early is wise.
Conclusion
When the Lord brings these languishing and lingering counselees into your life, patience, compassion, and genuine love are essential. These are lost sheep. As it were, we need to put them on our shoulders and bring them into the sheepfold. There were several disciples with whom Jesus modeled this, Peter being exhibit one.
Implementation
You cannot think in terms of time and demand with these people. This is where you look to the Lord to compensate in some manner to perform your many other responsibilities. Sometimes, a counselor trainee can be brought into the loop to assist you. I have another such case at the present time in which a young pastor I have mentored has been of enormous help.
The case referenced brings me great joy and has enlarged my heart with thanksgiving for God’s grace to endure with them as He did His work in them through our counseling relationship. May our Lord give us grace to be faithful, long-suffering, compassionate, and loving towards our counselees as the Lord has loved us.