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Addressing Fears Faced as a Single Woman

Growing up, I was a dreamer. My ambitions brought a wide range of fantasies from becoming the mayor of Maui, and eliminating world hunger, to being married and with children by age 25. But here I am, a 28-year old single woman, with none of my original ambitions brought to fruition. And yet, I am convinced that this is exactly where God wants me.

Before I delve deeper into a few of the temptations I face in this season, I’d like to share how I can be confident in where God has me. Romans 8:32 says, “He who did not spare his own Son, but delivered him over for us all, how will he not also with him freely give us all things?” And the psalmist reminds me that, “No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11).”

When my heart cherishes these truths, I find comfort and thanksgiving for the unique opportunities I have. Singleness has leveraged me to be able to serve in capacities that would not be possible otherwise. For example, I have been able to help my local church start a biblical counseling center and devote time to it at odd hours without it affecting a family at home.

To be honest though, there are moments when I despair and must fight to take God at his word. When I am not meditating on God’s word and seeking to renew my thoughts, raw emotions creep into my heart and I find myself struggling with my singleness. The following are three areas that I find myself struggling with the most:

 

PERSONAL INSECURITIES

Unrenewed Thought

Am I unmarried because I do not look a certain way? Should I act differently in order to be more attractive? Why is it that godly men seem to pattern attraction after what the world screams rather than what the Bible proclaims? Is pursuing godliness even worth it in the area of finding a spouse?

At the Heart of This

If I act on these thoughts, I am pursuing vanity and fading external qualities (Prov. 31:30). A demand to be attractive and desirable to men has become central. In addition, I am judging my brother’s motives unjustly and despising the sovereignty of God and how he graciously works to bring people together in marriage (Eph. 1:11; Ps. 115:3). A desire for intimacy has become more important than holiness (1 Pet.1:14, Matt. 6:24).

Renewed Thought

God in his perfect wisdom and power created me and fashioned every one of us in our mother’s womb. (Ps. 139:13-14). God’s goodness and love has placed each of us in our current situation so that we would most effectively be transformed into the likeness of Jesus (Rom. 8:28-29).

What to Do Instead

Cultivate a heart that characterizes the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Pet. 3:3-4). Don’t believe the lie that changing my circumstances will solve the problem. Marriage does not absolve insecurities. Instead, resolve to walk in obedience to God and count all as loss for the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus (Jn. 8:31-32; Phil. 3:7-8).

BEING ALONE

Unrenewed Thought

What if I never get married? I’m going to die alone. Living a life of loneliness sounds unbearable. I’d rather settle for anyone rather than no one.

At the Heart of This

To become old and to die alone is a scary thought. But these fears are self-centered at its core. In this, I am willing to trade in the promises of God’s presence and adoption into the body of Christ for perceived relief in a relationship (Eph. 4:14-16). The marriage relationship has become what I believe will satisfy my soul rather than the God who is steadfast in his love for me (Ps. 90:14).

Renewed Thought

I can bask in the presence of God and walk in obedience to him. My consideration of compromising the portion I have in God for a lesser glory ought to drive me towards sorrow. I must make it my aim whether by life or death to be pleasing to God (2 Cor. 5:9).

What to Do Instead

Pursue vibrant friendships within the church. Seek to love others with Jesus as your example (1 Jn. 3:16). Jesus moves towards others to meet their needs. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles (Mt. 6:34). Rather than being anxious about the unknown, I can choose to be self-controlled, intentional, and disciplined in how I spend my days (Eph. 5:15-16).

JEALOUSY/COMPARISON

Unrenewed Thought

Why did God give her marriage and not me?

At the Heart of This

I think God is holding out on me, that he does not have what’s best for me in mind. I forget that I am God’s child and that he will provide for my every need. In addition, I am opening myself to bitterness towards my brothers and sisters in their marriage (Heb. 12:14-15; Col. 3:12-17).

Renewed Thought

Recall the thrust of the gospel in that God gave his only Son over to death on behalf of wicked sinners (Rom. 5:8). I have everything I need in God redeeming me. I should desire to prefer others, counting them more important than myself, seeking to love fervently from the heart (1 Pet. 1:22). Comparison and discontent kills gospel driven love.

What to Do Instead

Rejoice with those who rejoice (Rom.12:15). Accept where God has me right here, right now. Ask God for a heart of thanksgiving in return for discontent. Recall the goodness of God in saving me from my sins–considering past, present, and future grace that has been given to me. Practically love and serve married couples.

I cannot assume that these struggles are true of every single woman. You must seek to work through your personal fears. Look to Christ! There is hope to be found in bringing your heart to honor God in your singleness! We are the bride of Christ—marriage on earth pictures the mysteries of the gospel—where the spotless bridegroom dies for his sin-stained bride to give her life (Eph. 5:32). Take heart that as God’s people, we are ambassadors of this heavenly reality regardless of our marital status here on earth.

For more information about Paula and her experience with ACBC, check out this video.

Paula Higuchi
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Comments

  • Rachel Stargel
    September 27, 2016

    Thank you for sharing! This came on a day when I specifically needed to hear these truths. Praying for you and your ministry!

  • Kellie
    September 28, 2016

    Beautifully said….
    This is also good for wives facing divorce, thank you for sharing

  • Kara Waldbart
    September 28, 2016

    Lovely article Paula! Thank you for sharing. Very practical and encouraging! So neat to hear and see how God is using you mightily. Miss you!

  • Renee Luckay
    September 30, 2016

    Thanks for sharing your personal chalenge and how God’s word has been shed light on through your struggle and now we can share in your victory and also in a strenthening of our faith.

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