Dr. Stuart Scott: Becky, thank you for taking the time to give glory to God and share what He has done in your life. You live in Portland, OR, can you introduce yourself and as far as what do you do there? What is your occupation?
Becky: I am a nurse for pediatric surgery; I am in charge of intra-operation, pre-operation and recovery room in a children’s area in a hospital.
Dr. Stuart Scott: You have been there for how long?
Becky: Seven years; ever since I have been out in Portland.
Dr. Stuart Scott: From your perspective, what was it like growing up at home with your sister and your parents?
Becky: It was fun. My parents were adventurous and we had a good stable environment. It was a Christian environment; we grew up in the church and in Christian schools. My parents were together; I was secure in that and it was really good. It was a good home and I knew it because I had friends who didn’t have good, stable homes.
Dr. Stuart Scott: When were you first aware that you were much more sexually attracted in the pathway of homosexuality?
Becky: It was in nursing school when I met my first girlfriend. This woman fascinated me. I always knew I was different or felt I was different but I didn’t put anything on it; I didn’t describe it except I just kind of felt different. I knew that my sister was really crazy about guys and I never felt that, but it wasn’t until my very first girlfriend that I felt, “Huh, something is here.” So, that pretty much started me down that path.
Dr. Stuart Scott: From what your mom shared, that was about a four year path before she asked the question and you told her?
Becky: Yes, a few years with my very first girlfriend and then about a year with my second girlfriend is when my mom found out; what I say “outed” me a little bit. I was not ready to really name it yet.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Once you told her that and you saw your mom and then your dad’s reaction and responses, what transpired then in your life with them?
Becky: It was so difficult because we were a close family and it was hard because I felt very separated from Mom and Dad. Having to actually say out loud that I was a lesbian kind of made me have to live it now that it is out there. So I had to wrestle between loving my parents and keeping them in my life somehow – i didn’t really know how to do it – and also being lesbian.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Was your conscience troubled through those years?
Becky: It was very, very difficult. I would honestly say I did not have one moment of peace until I surrendered to Jesus. I was happy and at times joyful. I really struggled, really struggled; so much so that I went to psychologists, psychiatrists, pastors to try to help me put together the Scriptures that I had been brought up on and me choosing this [lesbian] lifestyle. To me it is a choice because I could choose not to honor my feelings or not to go with that, so I chose to try to work with people who would help me feel better. I was on about three or four different anti-anxiety medicines; I thought that maybe it was just because I come from an anxious family that I was struggling so much. I did everything I could, I tried to do everything I could to make me feel better; drinking, lots of self medication, just trying to really make me feel better but it was a struggle from the get-go.
Dr. Stuart Scott: When she gave you the name of Tom and you went, did you go first to talk with him?
Becky: I went to him for a few times.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Was it just them coming around, encouraging you, helping you as you were trusting in Christ by faith and finding a good church in your area?
Becky: He really just got me in Scripture; he had me reading Matthew 5, 6, and 7 many times during the week. He addressed what was going on, but he was like, “we gotta get you in Scripture.” So he really encouraged me to get in Scripture. I just remember feeling an overwhelming – I say rush – but it was a peace; like a breath of fresh air; cool water. I didn’t realize I was so parched or that I was in the dark. I felt like I was really seeing light for the first time in twenty years. I don’t know if you know what that feels like, but it is quite amazing and I knew it was right. He pointed me in that direction and to Jesus and I just read and I soaked it up; I prayed and a lot of prayers were like, “God I don’t know how you are going to do this, I am devastated and yet I am so filled with hope. So I don’t know what to do, but I do know I am suppose to read Scriptures and I know I am suppose to pray.” Tom’s son actually helped start a church out there and it was just six months into being started and Tom pointed me in that direction.
Dr. Stuart Scott: It sounds that you have found a church where they just bring you in and they care for you and you are able to minster to others, would that be so?
Becky: Yes, initially it was hard for me. I kind of stayed away; we had a balcony and I went up in the balcony and I didn’t really want to talk to too many people because I was crying every single time I went. I had to step out and start looking for friends. It is a very young church, we are starting to get some older people there and the church is around six years old now; so I had to really pursue friendships. I forget how I got involved in the women’s group, but there was a small women’s group that had some older women and I just poured my heart out and told them who I was and what happened recently and what was going on and said, “help.” So they rallied around me and were really awesome.
Dr. Stuart Scott: Now it has been a process and it is not one day you are gay and the next day is completely, radical different. There has been a process for you going up and down and growing. Can you just share a little bit about that?
Becky: I started realizing that trust was going to be a huge part of the process of changing. Trusting that the Lord actually meant what He said in Scripture, trusting that He is my strength, trusting that He knows what it is going on with me, trusting that I can believe that He is with me. Initially I felt like I just switched idols. I realized instead of not dating women anymore, I said, “ok, I am going to date men!” and I realized I was focusing on that. God convicted me but it wasn’t until I started going to biblical counseling Onward Training where I learned about idols. I learned about heart issues and about how you can have all these problems but you’ve got to get to the root of the issue and I was not really focusing on Jesus; I was trying to figure out what to do with my life next.
Psalm 27:14 was a key Scripture, it is very simple, it says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” I had had a wise gentleman in my life that I had known from my Christian college and I called him and talked to him through this process. He said, “Ya know, I think it is going to take quite a few years Becky; don’t be discouraged but just take this time to really get to know Jesus.” So with that, with the counseling, and the Onward Training things just kind of started coming together for me. However, it was a process; I still was trying to figure out how – because I was a lesbian for 20 years – do I have this new life? So for about a year and a half I really struggled with what to do with my feelings. How do I deal with those because it wasn’t just one day this and one day the next like you were saying; I had to reign in and realize that the feelings are still going to come up, it is what you do with them. It is pray to the Lord and ask Him, “I have these feelings God and I don’t know what to do with them, but I don’t want to focus on them. Help me focus on what is healthy, and what is right.” It is a training; it is not just you pray it and it happens. You actually have to get into Scripture continuously, pray continuously, ask for help, and be accountable to people. I had to cut out hanging out in certain places and some of the friendships I had they were stopped quite abruptly; which was good. Some of them were gradually stopped; I didn’t hang out and they were like, “Ok, you really are serious” and I am serious about it. I have a couple lesbian friends that know I am here right now and they want to be around me and I am living my life in front of them and they are ok. I live my life for the Lord and living for Jesus has been hard and I am still doing it. I am still messing up with my life but I am not that way. I was baptized February 20, 2011 and that was when I was like, “I am done. I am done with this lifestyle I am ready to just press forward with everything that I can.”
Dr. Stuart Scott: What kind of biblical principles or thoughts can you share with parents who may have a son or daughter who says to them, “Mom, dad, I am gay.” What things would you share with those who are watching that would be an encouragement to parents?
Becky: I would say what is most important, or one of the few things that are important is making sure of your relationship with Jesus; making sure that it is secure, making sure that you are aware and know Scriptures well. Love your daughter or son, don’t cut off relationships because you don’t agree or it hurts or is hard. I think it is very difficult as a parent and I know that my parents had a hard time; we had a hard time working through our relationship. What I told my ex’s mom, because she is a Christian, was, “Don’t waiver on your beliefs, don’t do it. If you do, you are choosing your children over God and that is not how it is suppose to be.” I told my parents, “If you guys chose to be ok with this lifestyle, I would have lost respect for you because I knew at that point in time you would have chosen me over God.” I am grateful that they held strong to their beliefs and didn’t waiver.
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